March 9th, 2010
- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
WRITING UNDER FIRE
Journal, March 9, 1994, 5:21 a.m. • “The anger has awakened me … Rather than stew, I’ll dump my anger on the page and hopefully get back into a place of peaceful resolve … All these things I want to say to Ray – to change him? I allowed him to pull me off my path! How could I have thought it would be satisfying, or safe, to support his dreams while mine disappeared?”
2010: Ever do that? Set a dream aside – for whatever reason?
“Day after day, putting in my time for that someday when … we would be free to play and express who we truly are – together – as a couple. … He faults me that I could not lighten up … He needed me to be the heavy, and then had the audacity to believe that I was capable of being no more than a caretaker. He is running as fast as he can into the arms of a woman who would be for him all that I am not? Damn. I want to play, be spontaneous, adventurous – but who has the time or energy?”
2010: Ever feel that way? I know a lot of women who struggle to see themselves Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: forgiveness, journaling, relationships
Posted in An Invitation into Bernadette's Pages | 4 Comments »
March 8th, 2010
- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
CAMPING OUT
Journal, March 8, 1994 • “I feel calmer, now that I have spent the night here at Lea’s. Her home is very peaceful. The pain is filtered, like sunlight through smoked glass – not quite so intense. What I feel most is emptiness. And sadness for how I could allow myself to become so empty and not notice. I filled myself with Ray … Trying to complete myself in him, as I accuse him of doing with her.”
2010: You know, I had a couple excerpts picked from today’s journal entries but I think I want to settle with just this one. I find myself thinking about all the ways we lose ourselves in relationships and all the ways our world supports the idea that we are incomplete without that ONE other person, that special someone.
When you think about it, it’s like we say to God, “Hey, You messed up. You only gave me half the package. Now I have to finish the job.” And off we go, Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: forgiveness, relationships
Posted in An Invitation into Bernadette's Pages | 6 Comments »
March 6th, 2010
- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
HOW DARE HE
Journal, March 6, 1994 • “I’m drinking a cup of valerian tea, hoping I can get back to sleep. Slept for two hours. The terrible burning that’s been in the pit of my stomach for the past couple of days has dissolved into a trembling between my stomach and my heart. The overlapping physical and emotional sensations are very strange. The burning feels like fear boring right through my stomach, while the trembling feels like mini-explosions threatening to shatter my heart. When I try to focus on calming my heart, fear races into a pure rage that merges so rapidly with pain, my heart feels as if it is being physically wrenched from my ribcage. I honestly feel as if it is breaking! Then the rage darts up and catches in my throat, choking me – telling me that I will soon have to find a way to give this anger, this fear a voice.”
2010: This is a tough read. I feel such compassion for the woman who wrote this … and for the man who was the catalyst. I remember this moment so clearly. I was wrestling with unadulterated rage for the first time in my life. I thought it was about Ray and the betrayal but it was about years of stuffing my anger. About my fear to feel it. About keeping busy, maintaining control, and staying one step ahead of situations that could invite it. (Not that I was ever successful.) About depression, unrecognized and expressed through starving my body anytime it Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: anger, relationships
Posted in An Invitation into Bernadette's Pages | 2 Comments »
March 5th, 2010
- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
ANSWERED PRAYER
Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 5, 1994 • “Last night I had a dream that I found a diary. It was ancient and made of stone. In it, a woman was confessing a terrible thing she’d done. She had made love to a dear friend’s husband. She was deeply troubled and it was obvious that she loved both of these people very much. Suddenly it dawned on me that she was talking about us. Shocked, my eyes raced to the bottom of the page to see if she had signed it …”
2010: Ever wake up in a cold sweat after a dream? I did after that one.
“Ray won’t tell me her name. I’ve asked. I’ve asked what she looks like. Where she lives. He says knowing these things will not make me feel better, that this separation has nothing to do with her.”
2010: Information gathering while falling. Guess you could say I was multi-tasking. I was grabbing at anything trying to understand. Or control?
“Several weeks ago, I remember asking God to speed things up … Have no memory of what prompted that prayer at the time. Probably something related to my artist’s block or our financial stress. I recall saying that I didn’t care what it took to change – Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: relationships
Posted in An Invitation into Bernadette's Pages | 8 Comments »
March 4th, 2010
- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
ON ANGEL’S WINGS
Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 4, 1994 • “The pain is intense. I keep trying to remind myself that this is pain for what may come, not pain for this very second. This very second, Ray is in bed. Moments before, I lay in his arms. Awake. Trying to keep my mind from racing to the time when he will not be here.”
2010: I had no sooner finished writing those words when, to my surprise, I found myself scribing these!
“Let go. Let go. Trust God. That’s all you truly have, Bernadette … if you are to live through this pain, you must use every tool you have ever learned to stay in the moment. … We know you wanted to dump your feelings on paper here, but nothing new would have been written this morning. More important than your knowing the connection, is your accepting the connection with us. We are here.”
We are here? Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: relationships
Posted in An Invitation into Bernadette's Pages | 7 Comments »
March 3rd, 2010
- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
FALLING
Journal, March 3, 1994 • “Missed a day in my journal and a hell of a one at that. Now I know what those incredible waves of sadness were about on my flight back from the gift show in New York. Why I felt like crying when the plane landed. The weird irritation that surfaced when Ray picked me up in the terminal. He felt like a stranger. Distant, in a way I couldn’t put my finger on …”
2010: Ever fall? Did you see it coming? Physical falls are always curious. It’s like time slows to witness the tumble as you try to catch yourself. It’s amazing how many thoughts can go through your mind in a manner of seconds. You are both victim and observer as you find yourself suddenly assessing your body’s relationship with gravity, hard surfaces and sharp objects.
“Last night, when he said we needed to talk, all the foreboding came flooding in. I was devastated. Even before he confessed to wanting a separation. To there being another woman. And right now I feel so crazy with it – I just want to die!”
2010: I chose the word “falling” for my first journal entry because Ray’s leaving felt a lot like that to me. I sensed precariousness in our marriage, like walking along the edge of a ravine at dusk but, honestly, I thought we were maintaining our balance. When he confessed to wanting a separation, I slipped over the edge and Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: relationships
Posted in An Invitation into Bernadette's Pages | 8 Comments »
February 18th, 2010
Feng Shui Eyes Focus on Art: Magic or Just Good Design?
You decide! Join us as we explore the world of art as seen through the eyes of Feng Shui. Whether you are an art lover, an artist, an interior decorator or simply someone who wants to feel good about what your walls are saying – you will walk away with a new view and an appreciation of the power art offers to your personal space!
Don’t Miss this Complimentary Event.
Presented by Bernadette Rose Smith of Enlightened Interiors and hosted by The Hampton Fine Art Gallery.
Date: Thursday, February 25, 2010
Time: 4:30 – 6:00 PM
Place: Hampton Fine Art Gallery, Greensboro, GA
For Directions: Click Here.
The dramatic “Lady in Red” featured in the gallery photo above is a Handpainted Silk on Canvas by Lynn Meek.
You can see more of Lynn’s work, like this gorgeous Geisha Silk Wrap to the left, at Silk Siren.
Tags: art, feng shui, lifestyle
Posted in Happenings & Workshops | No Comments »
February 1st, 2010
In the hush found under a blanket of white,
the rush of life is left behind.
Tags: awareness, lifestyle
Posted in Lifestyle Choices: How You Live | 1 Comment »
November 16th, 2009
Okay. I know this photo has nothing to do with speed bumps. I just like its implication for things we miss when moving too fast.
You have a dream – to start a business, save a relationship, get healthy. You’ve set the goal and mapped it out. You’ve put in the effort. The time. The money. Cruising down the road, you can see your dream destination up ahead so you push down on the accelerator and pick up speed. Windows rolled down. Radio turned up. Wind is blowing through your hair and you’re singing to your favorite, “gonna make it happen now” song when all of a sudden – BAM! Speed bump. Your head hits the roof and the only stars you’re seeing are within a nine-inch radius of your forehead.
Damn. Where did that come from? You gather yourself – and the map that slid off the seat – double check your directions and continue down the road. (Vision a little less clear for the stars.) Hmmm. Are those storm clouds up ahead and a wall of rain heading your way? You roll the window up tight, turn down a side street hoping to find a route around the threatening weather, and lean into the steering wheel with determination as raindrops hit the windshield. You start humming your, “gonna make it happen NOW I can beat this” song when SLIP-SPIN-BAM! Another speed bump? You can’t believe you hit another speed bump. Where the heck are you? Read the rest of this entry »
Tags: awareness, goals, lifestyle
Posted in Lifestyle Choices: How You Live | 3 Comments »
November 6th, 2009
What happened here?
They say nothing causes more arguments between a couple than money or sex!
If you’ve been following this series, you know I am sharing our extreme makeover through Feng Shui eyes and that we started this project in the wealth area of the Bagua with the world’s creepiest kitchen. (Know one creepier? Send me photos.) As coincidence would have it, the second room that needed our attention was in the relationship area of the Bagua. (Seems we were going to have the money and sex thing covered!)
This poor room was sending some pretty major mixed signals. (Not advisable in a relationship, by the way.) It didn’t know what to be or what to do. Judging by the furniture, its role had been that of a living room though its location felt more conducive to that of a guest room. (The REAL living room had its own problems.)
Oh my. Is that an outside wall, you ask?
Read the rest of this entry »
Posted in Extreme Makeover Project | No Comments »
