“… listening to divine guidance through the emotional chaos.”  Suzanne DeMarchi, Cheshire, CT

REFRAMING
In this section, I define reframing, give you a few “under fire” examples, and finish with some reframing exercises to try for yourself.

What Is Reframing?
Reframing is changing the context (the frame) within which you view a challenging person or situation. Seeing your concern in a new way (reframing) allows you to make choices and take actions that can open the door to possibilities that were not previously “available” to you because of a limited vantage point.

Let’s Look At A Few Reframing Examples From B’s Pages
I was struggling with fears about our relationship when these words poured onto my morning pages. Seven months before Ray left, before HE even knew he was going to leave, Spirit wrote, “Do not give up on him. He needs you to be light … The way may not be easy … but you knew that from the beginning of this arrangement … He may need to find another woman … to see you anew … You must not walk away in frustration. He will not renege … Know this and remain true.”

Arrangement. Another woman. Remain true.

Spirit shot those words through with surgical precision. Past my censor. Past my “emotional chaos.” Their purpose? Gently start the process of reframing an event that had not yet taken place. The part about “another woman” saving our marriage was just too upside-down for me to grasp. (That’s what broke up marriages and I did not believe the man I loved was capable of such a betrayal.) Dismissing the words with a good dose of denial, I focused only on their intention to comfort and moved on with life.

Pass The Pepto-Bismol
The day after Ray expressed his desire to end our marriage, Spirit broke through with, “You are not meant to leave Ray … she is a catalyst … someone you love dearly who would offer this gift, this challenge for you and Ray to know your true Selves.”

Now, that reframe pushed past my passive resistance and made me sick to my stomach.

Spirit’s words booted me to a vantage point that was completely foreign – and yet reassuringly familiar. (Once I got over the nausea.) They gave me a key, a way to experience our impending separation from another level. This wasn’t about a broken marriage. This betrayal pointed to something beyond the mundane. A sacred agreement. Maddening, at times, and leading me to wonder if I was delusional, this reframe unleashed a power that altered my behavior and the course of our relationship in a miraculous way.

Be Careful What You Ask For
“I recall (praying) that I didn’t care what it took to change … Let’s do it and be done … I wonder if that (day I prayed) was the same day Ray felt compelled to find her.”

Now, that was a hell of a reframe. I prayed for change and got this? They say God’s ways are not our own, so maybe I should wait and let this play out before I throw any more prayers on top of it. Maybe I should not be so quick to judge what is happening as a bad thing.

How Could Something This Good For Me Feel So Bad?
“Where would I be if we had never met? Who would I be? Ray encouraged me to take creative risks. To explore outside my safety zone. He expanded my world. Hell, he is doing it even now!”

Hmmm. This tool is starting to kick in. I actually volunteered that reframe onto the page all by myself. If I see this separation as an opportunity for growth, who or what will I find?

Time To Take A Head Count
“You continue to beat yourself up with looking to Ray. He does not know. His Higher Self does, as yours, but that is not to whom you direct the questions, and so you get ego-to-ego exchange.”

So, according to this invitation to reframe, there is a Higher Self and an ego self. (Big Ray and little Ray. Big B and little B.) That represents four potential agendas here. Five, if I count that Ray is a Gemini. (Ha!) Seven, if I count Big Shelly and little Shelly. (Holy crap! It’s getting crowded in here.)

I can choose to communicate through my Higher Self or his Higher Self – my ego self or his ego self. Communication is tricky in a difficult situation. Especially if I don’t stop to ask: Whose view am I seeing? Whose voice am I listening to? Whose agenda am I supporting?

Haste Makes Waste
“She must complete her part of the task to complete the lesson for him. He can be no good for you if there is any doubt. Do not question how this is to be played out.”

She is completing her assignment not stealing my husband. This is a classroom and we all have something to learn here. The classroom reframe is a powerful one that quickly shifts choices and behavior patterns.

Gratitude Pops Up In Funny Places
“I saw his strength in taking the hit for playing the bad guy in this separation. He did this so I could have more. So we could have more. I saw the teacher in him.”

Gratitude is one of the more pleasant reframing devices. I am not in this alone. Ray and I signed up for this together. If I can’t trust me, if I can’t trust him, surely I can trust “us” enough to accept the existence of a Divine Agenda – and an invitation to peace and wholeness on the other side of a seemingly solid wall of pain, guilt, and fear.

 

Theo wants to offer one of his more successful reframing techniques. He realizes this angle, though endearing to Mom, is not his most flattering but says he is willing to forego vanity for the greater good.

______________________________

Now It Is Your Turn

 

Think of a situation that troubles you – any situation that you struggle with – and see it through each of these reframing lenses. (This will be more powerful if you engage pen and paper in this exercise.) Ask yourself (or your Self!) …

What would (fill in the blank) look like if I could see …
• This as a sacred agreement.
• This as a classroom.
• No one is guilty. We are all playing our parts.
• (He/she) as a teacher.
• (His/her) Higher Self.
• This as an answer to a prayer.
• I am not alone.
• Love as present.

Pretend, If You Have To
Now, look at your answers and ask yourself these questions.

• Where could this new view lead me?
• What would this shift feel like?

______________________________

Reframing is not the end-all tool but it is a starting point when your first step seems insurmountable.
You can run any situation through this tool and experience a shift. And the remaining eight tools will work that much more effectively with a willingness to reframe at your foundation. (Ray and I completed our “forgiveness project” in just nine months. Quite a feat when you realize we had eighteen years of baggage between us – anchored by two very dysfunctional childhoods.)

______________________________

A Few “Under Fire” Reframing Samples

• Pg. xvii – Sacred Agreement: “Do not give up on him.”
• Pg. 7 – Sacred Agreement: “… she is someone you love.”
• Pg. 9 – Answered Prayer: “Guess I should be careful.”
• Pg. 17 – Gratitude: “He expanded my world … even now!”
• Pg. 46 – Higher Self: “Not to whom you direct questions.”
• Pg. 59 – Assignment: “She must complete her part.”
• Pg. 70 – Sacred Agreement: “Shelly & Ray in an embrace.”
• Pg. 79 – Sacred Agreement: “She does this at your request.”
• Pg. 83 – Sacred Agreement: “Ray had to make that call.”
• Pg. 110 – Gratitude: “Taking the hit for playing the bad guy.”
• Pg. 161 – Sacred Agreement: “Look for clues.”
• Pg. 178 – Time Travel: “A wrinkle in time in which I  …”
______________________________
A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2008

Click to go forward to Tool #3: Purging Anger. Finding Forgiveness.

Click to go back to Tool #1: Writing Under Fire

Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see the 2-minute video book trailer!

 

 

So, here is where you get to share your experiences with reframing – or questions regarding Tool #2 and B’s Pages that you would like clarified.

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Tags: journaling, reframing, relationships, spirit dialog

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 21st, 2008 at 11:32 am and is filed under Bernadette's Pages: Companion Guide. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.