PURGING ANGER. FINDING FORGIVENESS.
If you’ve never felt irritable, resentful or angry, skip this section. If there is no one you’ve felt challenged to forgive – even for a day – yourself included, cruise on to the next tool. (The rest of us will catch up later.)
However, if you find yourself carting around more than your share of unease, disappointment, frustration, or resentment because of a relationship or life situation – or if you find yourself on anger overload, raging at the moon, stick around.
Tired of Lugging Around Anger?
Tool number three is where the rubber hit the road for me. Where my spinout found traction. (Just short of the cliff!) In this section, I highlight two shortcuts that will help you:
• Pinpoint the reason for your anger. (Sorry, it’s not always that S.O.B.)
• Purge the anger. (Once and for all.)
• Forgive. (And move on to your happy-ever-after.)
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• ShortCut #1: PURGING & FORGIVENESS JOURNAL
We all experience anger differently. For me, it was not an overt challenge. Oldest of five in a dysfunctional family, I learned to ‘live with’ and ‘adjust’ my anger. Most of the time, my anger took on the character of a pesky mole tearing up the lawn. (Tunnels evidence something going on but you don’t know where the little bugaboo is or when he is likely to pop up.)
So when Ray expressed his desire to separate I expected to be angry – but was surprised to find out just how angry. If I thought I was uncomfortable having anger, I found I was even more uncomfortable expressing it. This homework from Sandra (page 29 in Bernadette’s Pages) gave me a way to isolate, vent and purge anger without increasing anxiety about living through the repercussions of it. In other words, keeping a purging and forgiveness journal saved me from needing to manifest situations where I could vent my anger or act it out in ways that were characteristically unhealthy for me. (Anorexia. Isolation. Co-dependency.)
A Companion Guide Suggestion ...
• Get a separate notebook. Do not use your regular journal. We are isolating your anger. (Sorry, no computer keyboards. It takes the organic feel of pen and paper to officiate the purge.)
• Write, “Forgiveness Journal to Purge My Anger Toward _____,” on the cover.
• Flip to the first page. Write a letter to God. Ask Him to bless the journal, place the words written under His protection, and transform them into forgiveness and peace. And close with thank you.
• When you are angry, this is where you dump it. Start with, “I am angry that …” (ala morning pages, don’t censor.)
• When there is nothing left to vent, write, “I need to learn to forgive that.” Then write these two questions. “ What am I afraid of? Why am I holding onto this?”
• Write whatever answers comes to mind. (Don’t censor.)
• Finish with “God (Holy Spirit), please heal these fears. I need to learn to forgive this.”
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Here’s a warm-up sample of how this works from page 34:
“I’m angry that … he would do for her what he would not do for me. I feel used … He talks about ‘making it right,’ paying his debts and clearing the tab. How dare he cheapen our relationship to no more than a slate he can wipe clean and then walk away!”
“I’m afraid that … I really screwed up and am being punished by his withdrawal. That this woman can give him something I can’t. That what she offers has more value in his eyes than what I have already given.”
“I’m holding onto this because … I want another chance … I want to correct my errors … I want to know I can do this right!”
Here’s a sample from page 76 where I am well past the warm-up:
“ Ray, you asshole! I can’t believe I let you off the hook so easily while our sex life vanished!”
“I’m afraid that … my denial caused this break between us. If I had been more aware, or less fearful, I would have addressed my needs … I feel like I made the ground fertile for him to find his passion with her.”
“I’m holding onto this because … I want another chance.”
“Holy Spirit, heal these fears. I need to learn to forgive this.”
The brilliance of this exercise is that it let me have my anger, showed me the fear that fueled it, the guilt that sustained it, and where to direct the forgiveness that released it. Sandra never told me to forgive Ray. Had she, I could not have done it. But seeing that I needed to forgive myself – and doing so – allowed me to forgive Ray without forgiving him. In other words, by the time I was finished forgiving me and turned to forgive him, the work was already done!
Theo says this is intense stuff and suggests you try this 'paws and refresh' position.
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• ShortCut #2: MY ATTACK. MY FEAR. MY GUILT.
In April, Spirit wrote, “Your anger comes from fear. Work with the fears. You are not so sad now, as you are afraid. Afraid you have no value …” In this instance, I was directed to isolate my ‘need’ to be given a second chance with Ray – head on – and address my fear that he was never coming back because, at that point, he wasn’t. The prospect of living the rest of my life without him – engulfed with anger, remorse, panic, anxiety, and fear – was a great motivator to do my homework.
The twist to this exercise is that it asks you to see your anger as an attack – not a defense. (A tough pill to swallow when you see yourself as the victim of another person or circumstance.)
A Companion Guide Suggestion ...
You do not have to record this in your purging journal because its tone is more exploratory than venting. However, as always, follow your own instinct.
Start with the question: Why am I afraid that …
Then filter your answer through each of these lenses.
• My Attack
• My Fear
• My Guilt
And finish with the question: Can I Forgive This?
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Here’s a sample from page 91:
Why am I afraid that Ray will never come back?
• My Attack. “How dare he want to spend time with Shelly and not with me …”
• My Fear. “He prefers her … He loves her …”
• My Guilt. “I’m no fun. I lost my capacity for play. I’m boring.”
Can I Forgive This? “I want to. Just because I got too serious does not mean I am not worthy of love.”
When I finished this exercise, I saw how I sabotaged forgiveness (for both of us) by insisting that redemption came only with a second chance. Holding onto my belief that forgiveness was dependent on Ray changing his view of me perpetuated an anxiety producing fear-attack-guilt cycle.
When Ray and I started seeing each other again, Spirit directed me to look at a more subtle version of this cycle with this comment; “It has been necessary for you to see how much you still attack (Ray) with your fear for his well being …”
What an uncomfortable eye-opener it was to see how fear for Ray spoke to a lack of trust in him. (Not to mention, God.) My concerns and worry for Ray ultimately demeaned him and me because when I couldn’t trust – when I felt insecure about anything – it didn’t matter whether I was protecting, defending, or attacking. I was choosing fear over love. Results, at best, were politely strained. At worst, well, you read the book. (Worry does not bring out my best behavior! Need I say more?)
Free To Follow The Yellow Brick Road
These shortcuts move you beyond the precariousness of pardoning as an answer to anger. To quote my blog post, Forgive That #!@&!#!? Why? “Pardoning, at best, offers a peace that teeters atop past offenses, stashed yet never forgotten. Throw a few more offenses on top of the pile and this version of forgiveness crumbles rapidly…” (Click to read the whole article.)
Combine these two shortcuts with Tool #2: Reframing (For those of you who are skipping around) and you are well on your way to the Emerald City, Kansas, or wherever you’d like your ruby slippers to take you. (Without feeling like you sacrificed or betrayed yourself along the way!)
Don’t believe me? That’s okay. Pick a gripe or angst of your own, apply these tools, and experience the freedom for yourself.
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A Few “Under Fire” Samples
Shortcut #1: Pgs. 33, 34, 35, 42, 43, 48, 76
Pg. 36: Greatest fear = negative core belief behind anxiety and panic.
Shortcut #2: April: Pgs. 90 – 93. July: Pgs. 184 – 185, 187 – 188
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A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2008
Click for Tool#4: Gratitude While Dodging Bullets
Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see the 2-minute video book trailer!
So, this is the place for those of you who have questions about Tool #3 to get answers – and those of you with experience, strength, and hope to jump in and share.
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Tags: anger, betrayal, forgiveness, journaling
I just started the journal this month and I was frankly, amazed at the results. I buried anger all my life. Matter of fact, didn’t know I had any because I had spent so many years bottling it up – afraid of getting angry at people because that would cause too much guilt or God forbid, chase them out of my life.
So there was trepidation in starting this journal. The first entry I wrote seemed strained. The second entry came instinctively. I was starting to feel anger in my body, finally had learned how to recognize it and then went running to my journal. Turns out, the very thing I THOUGHT I was angry about towards this person turned out to be anger at someone who I actually had never suspected! With that came an avalanche of emotions including both pain and understanding.
I think the hardest part was saying, “I need to learn to forgive that.” My God, why do I need to FORGIVE? But in reading the last post on this subject (http://enlightenedink.com/j…) it got clearer and clearer what forgiveness really meant.
I continue to use the journal and because it’s hard for anger to surface for me, I often have to look hard for it first, but I’m so grateful for Bernadette’s Pages because I can go to it for guidance when I get stuck. I just re-read your sample pages and it gets easier to do. Best part about it: I don’t have to use my anger on anyone else! It all gets magically washed away.
Thank you. Seriously!
[...] If you struggle with any kind of resentment or anger toward ANY situation (past or present) you might find it helpful to read this step-by-step guide for “anger detox” under the blog category A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages. (If you’ve NEVER felt irritable, resentful or angry or if there is no one you feel challenged to forgive – yourself included – pat yourself on the back and skip it!) Link to anger detox guide. [...]
This is an “under fire” example with some “Then and Now” comments. I had to crawl with this one before I could walk
[...] process christened this exercise. (After which it shows up A LOT!!!) So, as I share in my Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages, “… if you find yourself carting around more than your share of unease, disappointment, [...]
… STILL crawling in “Sleep with Me” too … heheheh … NOW I can laugh …