Where you land may not be up to you – but how you grow when you get there is.
Here’s an idea to play around with. The next time someone or something upsets you, ask yourself, “Does this define me or refine me?”
Why? Because your answer determines how you move through the experience and the baggage you carry afterward.
Let’s see what Webster has to say about these two words.
• Define: to determine the limits or nature of; describe exactly.
Hmmm. ‘Determine the limits’ seems pretty limiting. And ‘describe exactly?’ (There’s a crazy-making quest.) I don’t know about you but my life – and upsets – defy any exacting description. This defining business is feeling a bit tense.
• Refine: to free or become free of impurities. To make or become more polished.
To ‘become free’ and ‘more polished.’ All right. I’m exhaling here. This feels like something I can grab hold of when grappling with an upset.
How a Defining Moment Becomes a Refining Moment. Stop. Ask the question. “Does this define me or refine me?” Make a conscious decision. Then proceed in the direction of your answer.
When Ray left to explore a relationship with another woman – back in the days of Bernadette’s Pages – you could say his act defined our marriage (failed), himself as a man (untrustworthy), and me as a wife (not good enough).
Failed. Untrustworthy. Not Good Enough. Now there’s a tidy package that determined ‘the limits or nature of’ what happened between us. Had I accepted this view as my definer, I would have gotten stuck, acting out patterns of betrayal, anger, resentment, bitterness, guilt, shame, remorse, confusion, mistrust, defensiveness … and I guarantee you that Bernadette would not be sharing in this blog.
But this Bernadette? She asked the question. Again and again and again. As many times as it took for her to drop the definers, pick up the refiners and proceed in the direction of her happily-ever-after. (Despite all her emergency-room-on-a-full-moon despair.)
Death-Sentence Definers. Hiding in the past, present and future are relationships and circumstances that beg to define you. If you’re having trouble getting past an upsetting someone or something you might be trapped in a definer zone. That’s where the person or situation defines you in a way that you are not comfortable with – many times under radar. A definer like this, with no follow-up refiner, can feel like a death sentence.
- They gave Sam the promotion. (My father was right; I’ll never amount to anything.)
- They never called me back for that second interview. (I am too old.)
- I saw Ted at Starbucks with Susan. (My ex must be right; I’m boring.)
Are You Really Upset For The Reason You Think? This world offers lots of legitimate reasons for upset, though illegitimate definers are more common culprits than you think. (Maybe Ted and Susan were planning a surprise party for our voyeur – but skewed definers are a topic for another day.) Whether caused by the real world or the one in your head, it’s key to note there is a difference between the upset of pain and the upset of suffering. Suffering is a choice. A mental attitude based on fear and often supported by a definer.
It hurt when Ray left. Real bad. I was in pain. But it was my definers that made me suffer. Not his leaving. Once I got them to surface, I saw the classroom and an opportunity to cut through the crap – all the excuses that kept recycling the past into the present relationship. Surprisingly, defusing my definers opened the door to a refining process that allowed Ray and I to reconcile and revisit our vows – and celebrate our best selves with each other to this day!
If You Get Nothing Else From This Blog Post, Get This! A reason to pause the next time something or someone gets under your skin and ask yourself,
- Does this define me or refine me?
- Does this define me in a way that I don’t like?
- Do I have to accept this definer?
- Can I use this to refine me? (Make me a better person, musician, dog lover … free me from negative relationships, jobs, speeding tickets … Get the idea?)
Trapped in a Definer Zone? Ask. Decide. Proceed.
- Does losing your house define or refine you?
- Does losing your job define or refine you?
- Does your childhood define or refine you?
- Does your health condition define or refine you?
- Does an addiction define or refine you?
- Do your children define or refine you?
Here’s to replacing those definers with refiners that lead you to living your best life yet! As always, we welcome your comments. (They won’t define us but we might use them to refine us.)
Here is a related article that will help you to refine: Reframing
Tags: awareness, core beliefs, reframing
Thanks for the gentle nudge to “redefine” myself. In the past I have held back and not expressed myself in a public forum. Now, I choose differently. Most folks associate chiropractic with “bone popping” or with spinal manipulations or adjustments….and you know that who I am and what I do is beyond this reference point. I have let myself feel limited and defined by the title of chiropractor, and I have worked to refine what I do to include a more holistic approach. So, now I am practicing what I preach. Who I am is not only about alignment of the spine…its about alignment of our spirits with our bodies. …alignment with our inner truths, who we really are…it’s about alignment with our highest expressions of who we really are.
Thanks!
Well put – and absolutely true about you! It is important to have support systems – people and practitioners in our lives who understand this kind of healing and ‘refining.’ I am glad you responded to the nudge and shared this here. Keep doing what you do. We need your gifts!
THANK YOU !!! for reminding us that it is all about choice. It’s not what people, places, situations DO TO us. It is what we do WITH them – in our minds and in our hearts. Asking the question, “What am I going to do with this?”
Sometimes, when something hits hard, we have to stop, pause, take the time to re-evaluate. But its always about re-evaluating ourselves, isn’t it?
Sometimes, that’s really tough (as it is for me, right now, when I try to use to global economy to define my own), when I try to say “Well why should my reality be any different / better than anyone elses.”
Of course, that’s when gratitude comes in – staying in the present moment and practicing the self-discipline of not jumping into the future with worries that haven’t even manifested yet.
What am I going to do with this …. refine my trust that God is my source – that I may be IN the world, but I am not OF it.
Detaching from “world” stuff is difficult (especially when it seems so smack-dab-in-your-face). But it, too, is a teacher, not a definer.
Thanks, B., for reminding me of “who” I am.
S.
For me this means surrender. I turned 60 this year and realized I’m tired. Tired of trying to make everything right, what ever that is, I’m still not sure and probably never will know. But living a day at a time, one foot in front of the other is the best I can do. I started to write that I was thankful for where I am but that’s not true, however I except where I am in my life.
Even though I knew what my answer would be, immediately upon reading the question – I still took a few moments to “ponder” what exactly it meant, to me. That took me back to the “root”…fine… Before you can de-fine or re-fine you have to BE fine : D I believe we were all created FINE – cause God (by whatever name you call It) doesn’t make junk…as the old expression goes. During the course of our lives…often from childhood…other people’s ideas, etc…chip away at that and we end up with stress-marks, chips, cracks and sometimes even broken… and those end up being the things/people that we allow to de(the undoing))fine us. Then there comes a time that we realize that we are more than that (whatever it is)…we remember WHO we are…and make the choice that any person, situation or circumstance that we attract or are attracted to will serve to Re-fine us…The people I’ve “met” through this process (Forgive It Forward) are truly a refined group of souls… Of course, if this isn’t making sense, please remember that it’s coming from someone who refuses to be defined lol…<3
As always, Michele, you shine your light brightly.
I absolutely love “Before you can de-fine or re-fine you have to BE fine. I believe we were all created FINE.” AND “de(the undoing))fine us” … ONLY YOU would come up with that!
You can count me grateful that you refuse to be defined!!! And that you share the BENEFITS here!