- Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!
FALLING
Journal, March 3, 1994 • “Missed a day in my journal and a hell of a one at that. Now I know what those incredible waves of sadness were about on my flight back from the gift show in New York. Why I felt like crying when the plane landed. The weird irritation that surfaced when Ray picked me up in the terminal. He felt like a stranger. Distant, in a way I couldn’t put my finger on …”
2010: Ever fall? Did you see it coming? Physical falls are always curious. It’s like time slows to witness the tumble as you try to catch yourself. It’s amazing how many thoughts can go through your mind in a manner of seconds. You are both victim and observer as you find yourself suddenly assessing your body’s relationship with gravity, hard surfaces and sharp objects.
“Last night, when he said we needed to talk, all the foreboding came flooding in. I was devastated. Even before he confessed to wanting a separation. To there being another woman. And right now I feel so crazy with it – I just want to die!”
2010: I chose the word “falling” for my first journal entry because Ray’s leaving felt a lot like that to me. I sensed precariousness in our marriage, like walking along the edge of a ravine at dusk but, honestly, I thought we were maintaining our balance. When he confessed to wanting a separation, I slipped over the edge and moved into a dimension of time for which I have no words. It took me nine months to land.
What kind of thoughts do you have while in an emotional fall?
Here are a few of mine from that first day.
Gravity
“I can’t imagine being without him. We’ve been through so much together. I’m willing to bet this other woman would have bailed out on him years ago! God, you saved us for this?”
Hard Surfaces
“I can’t compete with this woman! She has a clean slate. An untarnished mirror. He can look into her eyes and see a new man – a new life reflected back.”
And Sharp Objects
“… if I tell him to get out now – what if he moves in with her? God, I can’t stand the thought that the last time we made love was the last time. If I force him to leave, I might lose any chance of winning back his heart.”
What kind of action do you take while in an emotional fall?
Here are two of mine from that first day.
Running with Scissors
“I was obsessed with getting my hair cut. Wanted it all chopped off. Maybe I did it “at Ray” because he loves long hair. As a way to shock him. To show him how bad I felt.”
“Ray was shaken when I walked in the door … I think it concerned him that I would do something so extreme as having my hair cut inches from my scalp. He was carefully polite. Like when you are talking someone off a ledge. He should be concerned – dammit.”
And Wailing at God
“God, tell me what to do! You know what I want. You know what I need. Can I trust You? I’m going to be making some pretty major decisions. Give me the strength. I’ve never hurt so bad! And I am really pissed off with You!”
How do you fall? Have you fallen recently? Are you healing from a fall? Feel free to share your thoughts.
- About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.
The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.
You CAN get here from there!
Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
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Tags: betrayal, Growing Pains, relationships
Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!
So … I “liked” myself. How cool of Facebook to encourage me to do that!
Revisiting the day. And so grateful for “the fall.”
Today, I posted our “Kicking the Can: A Collaboration” and found myself smiling. http://enlightenedink.com/blog/2011/03/03/kicking-the-can-a-collaboration/
What would Bernadette THEN think about this wild ride now? Breadcrumbs from the future girl! Do the work. You guys are going to make it!
Thanks for giving us a place to be vulnerable. It’s scary putting this out there and it pains me sometimes to recall… but… When my ex left the relationship, it didn’t feel like falling. It felt more like someone pushed me off a cliff! I was so used to controlling everything so that I wouldn’t be hurt, so it was instinctive for me to grab the first rock or branch I could and I hung on for dear life. I spent weeks screaming, “help me get back up!” And it took me months to see that no one would save me. I had to save myself. Someone then said to me that if I looked below I might be surprised… and I did. Below me was a ledge only two feet below. I thought letting go meant falling to my death, but there was this ledge. I let the branch bend until I felt my tiptoes hit the ground. I sat there on this ledge crying for days. I wanted to climb back up but every time I tried, I failed. Then someone else asked me to consider trust. I got up from my fetal position on the ledge and started to look for other paths to climb. It took me quite a while, but I started. The paths still hurt my feet sometimes, but I’m doing it. Thanks!
You are VERY welcome. Glad you’re off the ledge and out exploring!
I can understand in so many ways why you’re sharing yours and Ray’s story. I think though it’s hard in today’s society where people feel everything is throw away. Even marriage.
I also think that, in my own marriage, I can read what you wrote and relate in some ways … due to other circumstances we faced … and had that feeling of “Falling” or other times “Tumbling.” (a really good word.)
I often think too, doing the work was so very hard … taking the chance to say “What now?” then working through it and communicating what needs to happen to succeed or just live with each other. It’s not easy. Marriages that last for years are never without complications in them.
You know too when we take those vows … do we really get it then?? I know for us we often talk about that. How naive we were back then … I often say though what saved us is that we were friends before we got married … we could talk no matter what the situation was. 32 yrs later and due to my health and his … all of that I know has put us on a new level and we are still learning. I often think no one is perfect … nor is a marriage. Because we all have flaws … all of us.
It’s funny; I often think it’s like “running with scissors!” Because sometimes he is frustrating as hell and I wonder how do I live with this man!
Other times I think oh my gosh I am so blessed we stuck it out and are still together. But then I have never worked so hard in my life to hang on to something either.
So, it takes a ton of compassion to talk about you and Ray. I think divorce is prevalent and comes up a lot … You guys came through really hard times and there are lessons to share. Those are the blessing to those who read and share. We all can learn from them.
Hugs, Kerry
http://iftheresonethingiknow.blogspot.com/
Lots of good food for thought, Kerry. I think when we take those vows we can’t REALLY get it … that apparently comes later!
I LOVE the raw and amazing truth of Bernadette and Ray’s journey and how it has made me reflect on my life. I have been humbled and yes have had those moments of falling. I also have learned when I am fully in motion with the Universe the fall is softened and the lesson is learned faster. As I journal daily too much is revealed and am happily surprised to find out what “the fall” was to teach me.
Thanks for keeping us honest and I love this the fact this book is being “blogged” as there are so many gems in it a regular reminder of some of them is very welcomed.
All the best,
Gordon
Gordon! What a treat to find you here. I love it when you attach your energy of support … you are so uplifting. Please come back and share your wisdom, (And link your site if you’d like!) I’m just getting warmed up. Though I think I must be crazy for doing this … I’m huffing and puffing trying to keep up with THAT Bernadette. She was a lot younger
DUH! I see you have linked your site. Check this guy out folks! He’s awesome.