- Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO
Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 5, 1994 • “Last night I had a dream that I found a diary. It was ancient and made of stone. In it, a woman was confessing a terrible thing she’d done. She had made love to a dear friend’s husband. She was deeply troubled and it was obvious that she loved both of these people very much. Suddenly it dawned on me that she was talking about us. Shocked, my eyes raced to the bottom of the page to see if she had signed it …”
2010: Ever wake up in a cold sweat after a dream? I did after that one.
“Ray won’t tell me her name. I’ve asked. I’ve asked what she looks like. Where she lives. He says knowing these things will not make me feel better, that this separation has nothing to do with her.”
2010: Information gathering while falling. Guess you could say I was multi-tasking. I was grabbing at anything trying to understand. Or control?
“Several weeks ago, I remember asking God to speed things up … Have no memory of what prompted that prayer at the time. Probably something related to my artist’s block or our financial stress. I recall saying that I didn’t care what it took to change – just “Let’s do it and be done! … I wonder if that was the same day Ray felt compelled [after all these years] to find her … when he told me his compulsion to call her came “out of the blue.”
2010: When you pray, pay attention. You might actually get an answer and miss it!
“This other woman is very likely God’s answer to my prayer though I’m sure, by now, Ray believes she is the answer to his. He’s been miserable in his struggle with depression. I know that he is steadily praying and writing – just like I am. I have to believe that, if this is God’s answer – to either prayer – I can handle it.”
2010: Ahhhh … Whose prayer gets answered here? A little sibling rivalry between two of God’s kids? Hope God knows what He’s doing.
“I need to stop trying to figure out how God is going to fix this – wondering whose prayer is being answered – second guessing what every twist and turn means in the big picture. I really want to know peace from the inside. Not resulting from Ray …”
2010: Here comes that “need to know” spelled C O N T R O L. Spirit had a few things to say about that with this …
“You see how you think? … Amid all this emotional turmoil, you become mentally busy. If you could be aware and stop this meandering, we could reach you more often.
Look on this. You not only second-guess with Ray now. He is but one avenue by which you question God and try to control with your thinking. You need more empty spaces!”
Prayer. Unanswered or answered. How do you know? What do you do while you’re waiting? Do you get mentally busy? Can you create empty spaces for listening? Do you trust the process? Jump in and share!
- Day Number Three: I have to admit doing this “time-fusion” thing is a bit weird. (In a good way, though.) With every entry I see how far Ray and I have come and all I can feel is gratitude to that Bernadette for her willingness to record the process. (And a sense of urgency to get this out there.) What a gift to have these pages today. Though, as I look at the rest of Bernadette’s Pages and my commitment to do this, I wish she had given me a little more breathing space to keep up! I may have to set a few boundaries with her. (What she went through taught me how to do that.) March was a very challenging month for her back in ‘94 but it made room for an amazing month in 2010.
- Here’s A Funny Thought: If I went back in time, right now, and she asked me what her future held, I would be able to tell her that it’s Friday night and her journal is being posted on a blog. “Blog?” she would ask. “What’s that?”
- About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.
- If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!
The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD. You CAN get here from there!
Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
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