- About This Post: Some people turn a blog into a book. We’re turning a book into a blog. The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” is complicated. 16 years ago Ray said “I don’t” and we found ourselves at the crossroad asking, “What now?” Here you’ll find pieces of that journey, shared in a “then and now” fashion, taken from my journal at that time. (Which has been published into a book.) I’m matching posting days with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focusing on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life. Whether you do, don’t or might – Ray and I welcome you and hope you’ll come back.
ANSWERED PRAYER
Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 5, 1994 • “Last night I had a dream that I found a diary. It was ancient and made of stone. In it, a woman was confessing a terrible thing she’d done. She had made love to a dear friend’s husband. She was deeply troubled and it was obvious that she loved both of these people very much. Suddenly it dawned on me that she was talking about us. Shocked, my eyes raced to the bottom of the page to see if she had signed it …”
2010: Ever wake up in a cold sweat after a dream? I did after that one.
“Ray won’t tell me her name. I’ve asked. I’ve asked what she looks like. Where she lives. He says knowing these things will not make me feel better, that this separation has nothing to do with her.”
2010: Information gathering while falling. Guess you could say I was multi-tasking. I was grabbing at anything trying to understand. Or control?
“Several weeks ago, I remember asking God to speed things up … Have no memory of what prompted that prayer at the time. Probably something related to my artist’s block or our financial stress. I recall saying that I didn’t care what it took to change – just “Let’s do it and be done! … I wonder if that was the same day Ray felt compelled [after all these years] to find her … when he told me his compulsion to call her came “out of the blue.”
2010: When you pray, pay attention. You might actually get an answer and miss it!
“This other woman is very likely God’s answer to my prayer though I’m sure, by now, Ray believes she is the answer to his. He’s been miserable in his struggle with depression. I know that he is steadily praying and writing – just like I am. I have to believe that, if this is God’s answer – to either prayer – I can handle it.”
2010: Ahhhh … Whose prayer gets answered here? A little sibling rivalry between two of God’s kids? Hope God knows what He’s doing.
“I need to stop trying to figure out how God is going to fix this – wondering whose prayer is being answered – second guessing what every twist and turn means in the big picture. I really want to know peace from the inside. Not resulting from Ray …”
2010: Here comes that “need to know” spelled C O N T R O L. Spirit had a few things to say about that with this …
“You see how you think? … Amid all this emotional turmoil, you become mentally busy. If you could be aware and stop this meandering, we could reach you more often.
Look on this. You not only second-guess with Ray now. He is but one avenue by which you question God and try to control with your thinking. You need more empty spaces!”
OUCH!
Prayer. Unanswered or answered. How do you know? What do you do while you’re waiting? Do you get mentally busy? Can you create empty spaces for listening? Do you trust the process? Jump in and share!
- Day Number Three: I have to admit doing this “time-fusion” thing is a bit weird. (In a good way, though.) With every entry I see how far Ray and I have come and all I can feel is gratitude to that Bernadette for her willingness to record the process. (And a sense of urgency to get this out there.) What a gift to have these pages today. Though, as I look at the rest of Bernadette’s Pages and my commitment to do this, I wish she had given me a little more breathing space to keep up! I may have to set a few boundaries with her. (What she went through taught me how to do that.) March was a very challenging month for her back in ‘94 but it made room for an amazing month in 2010.
- Here’s A Funny Thought: If I went back in time, right now, and she asked me what her future held, I would be able to tell her that it’s Friday night, Ray is now an active artist and painting in his studio and her journal is being posted on a blog. “Blog?” she would ask. “What’s that?”
- About These Posts: Here’s the thing. I’ve been thinking about doing this – merging the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present on our blog – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. (I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.)
- If you landed in the middle of this series: Click here to start at the beginning!
Ray and I are celebrating our 35th anniversary this year. This blog and our Facebook Fan Page are two ways that we can share the “HOW” of it. Please join us in spreading the word.
You CAN get here from there!
Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
Tags: relationships
Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!
Thanks for sharing this. It’s amazing how vulnerable you can be here … I’m inspired by it!
I had no trust in the universe at all. I just wanted what I wanted but with some gentle guidance over time, I started to give it a chance. I became “willing” but at first, it was hard to be willing so I had to be “willing to BE willing.” I would start the day with anxiety about my ex leaving and then I’d put it out there that I was willing. Each and every time by the end of the day, I’d get a new insight, I’d see something on TV or someone would say something to me that would give my answer. I’ve been doing it ever since and that helped me trust.
It’s amazing what will happen if you are just a little bit willing to listen.
Ah! To be “willing to BE willing.” Glad you shared that here, Gina. That is most certainly a key!
I loved this part, especially about the blog:
If I went back in time, right now, and she asked me what her future held, I would be able to tell her that it’s Friday night, Ray is painting in his studio and her journal is being posted on a blog. “Blog?” she would ask. “What’s that?”
That WAS fun. I think I’ll be doing more of that. Gets you thinking about the possibilities!
That’s kinda funny Juliette….that was the part that kind of tripped me up at first til I reread it then understood! ;D
Prayer–Unanswered (seemingly) or Answered (I do believe they ALL get answered in one form or another…we just don’t *see* what the answer actually is…at least at the time) and the wise saying “Watch what you wish for”. That is actually something I am always cautioning my girls with!! ;D
I learned these lessons long ago & am ALWAYS wary IF I should make a ‘wish’….tho nowadays it’s pretty much only for other people I know that need help. For Myself, I only ask Him for ‘help’ in making decisions now. ;D
Very Good Blog Bernadette!! ;D It’ll have me pondering on it while I’m in the studio today!! ;D
Thanks Karla! Good point. Today, I always do a gut check before I “wish” for anything!
I find that what I THINK I need to be happy is often very limiting compared to what He has planned!
I wanted so bad for Ray to not leave … but if he had changed his mind and stayed before we got that chance to grow up … TODAY would not be what it is and I doubt highly that we would still be together.
YUP!! I believe in THAT too B!
Everything in it’s own time!! ;D
Sometimes we want to *rush* things in today’s society and I admit….THAT I too am guilty of that more often than I’d care to count despite living a more “sedate & downsized” country lifestyle. I am really working on that (NOT rushing) this year….esp w/my Artwork. ;P
What I’m trying to remind myself of is the thrill I DO feel when I *see* how things work out in the end….even if we don’t know what that end will be until it IS reached.(this last bit isn’t related to my Artwork stuff lol! but to Life in all aspects ;D)