- Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!
CAMPING OUT
Journal, March 8, 1994 • “I feel calmer, now that I have spent the night here at Lea’s. Her home is very peaceful. The pain is filtered, like sunlight through smoked glass – not quite so intense. What I feel most is emptiness. And sadness for how I could allow myself to become so empty and not notice. I filled myself with Ray … Trying to complete myself in him, as I accuse him of doing with her.”
2010: You know, I had a couple excerpts picked from today’s journal entries but I think I want to settle with just this one. I find myself thinking about all the ways we lose ourselves in relationships and all the ways our world supports the idea that we are incomplete without that ONE other person, that special someone.
When you think about it, it’s like we say to God, “Hey, You messed up. You only gave me half the package. Now I have to finish the job.” And off we go, looking outside ourselves for completion. And if that doesn’t work – distraction and drama. Throw a little codependency into the mix and it might take us years to come to.
- Post Number Five: Today, I can accept that I might not be perfect but I am already complete – with or without Ray.
- About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.
- If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!
The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.
You CAN get here from there!
Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
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Tags: forgiveness, relationships
Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!
Camping. How I love it. In late October of last year I went camping. An entire week away from hubby and home. I found a peaceful site on the shore of Lake Hartwell and let the water wash away all the negativity and hurt I had kept inside for years. It was only a week but I came back totally renewed and refreshed. I’m already making plans for my Spring trip!
Awesome, Karen. It sounds like you found a great way to NOT lose yourself AND support your wholeness. Spring is right around the corner! Thanks for sharing and come back to tell us about your trip
OOOOOOH!! I LOVE that line “The pain is filtered, like sunlight through smoked glass – not quite so intense.” Boy! Does THAT say A LOT or what?!!
It’s so exciting to see you going thru this journey of realization!! 
What is kinda funny is that IF people would realize that feeling ‘whole’ in themselves gives them ‘confidence’ which in turn actually attracts people to them. This is something I’m still learning lol! But KNOWING that I AM a whole person even IF I were w/o Greg…is a Wonderful feeling!!
I love this, Karla. “IF people would realize that feeling ‘whole’ in themselves gives them ‘confidence’ which in turn actually attracts people to them.” It’s an inside job for sure!
Now I do have a wee confession to make Miz B!
It’s taken me over 14 yrs with Greg (truthfully my whole life up until last year-45 yrs!) to realize this. I was like you were then! Seriously!
I AM glad we ARE working things out & are together… but…I also know I CAN live life by myself & take care of my girls if I needed to. 
It wasn’t until during this past year that I was SO frustrated w/my relationship with Greg (his drinking) that I was literally trying to kick him out the door many times & threatening to leave myself over this frustration in how our relationship was going. It was over those long months that I realized who I am & just what I AM capable of!
I find it interesting to read your comment now (again) as I repost this on Facebook today, Karla, knowing what has transpired in your life …
Like an affirmation, don’t you think?