Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden
- Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!
MY GREATEST FEAR?
Session Reflections Journal, March 22, 1994 • “A lot came out of my session with Sandra this morning … I have to find a healthier way to address the feeling that I screwed up, and the belief that I’m not worthy of love. That’s where my panic comes from – my lack of patience with Ray’s retreat from me. I see his actions as proof that I’m not worthy – and I have no resistance to the feelings that surface as a result. They tell me that I must earn love. That I’m not good enough to receive it just as I am. “Screwed up” also feeds into a belief that I can never truly redeem myself because I am defective … and because of that, should be punished. That’s how I perceive Ray’s treatment of me. He’s punishing me for being flawed.”
2010: I have to get this out of the way – so humor me. WOW! Ray had been out of the house four days – FOUR DAYS – and Sandra had me doing this kind of work based on what I wrote in my purging journal? I believed that I was not worthy of love and so had to EARN it? It sounded crazy to me. And yet, when Sandra and I started following the threads, there was not a part of my life experience that this negative core belief did not show up in some form or another. It shadowed my “doing-ness.”
“… I see where this pattern has been present in all my relationships with men … Punishment came through withdrawal and abandonment. Loss of interest in me. Emotionally unavailable men, drawn to me because of what I feared I deserved most … How could I attract anything different from what I believed in? … Even with Dad, punishment was always to withdraw or withhold something that was important to me.”
“I remember wondering, the first time Ray and I made love, “Why is a great guy like this with me?” I felt like an impostor … Now I’m finally being punished, impostor that I am, and this “great guy” is correcting his error … It’s amazing we lasted this long with my carrying this belief.”
2010: I have to say this is another tough entry for me. Once again, so much of this is offered out of context and I find myself grappling with what is “too much” information and what is “just enough to be dangerous” information. Quite frankly, I don’t have the answer to that. So here it is, raw and massively edited because a lot of this is bedroom stuff that reflects the personality of our dynamics but distracts from the principles offered for healing when taken out of context and placed in this tiny space called a blog post.
“To a lesser degree, I even have this fear with women. It’s hard for me to relax and accept all this love from my girlfriends right now. The only thing giving me permission to express my neediness is the justification that in years gone by I’ve made “deposits” in giving my time and love to them. My fear is that I will overdraw my accounts and they’ll withdraw their love. Do I only receive their love because I earned it first? No! Why would I shortchange their abilities to offer unconditional love to support my fear?”
2010: I needed to see that thread because I needed to correct that belief rooted in fear. These women were an amazing support system – a lifeline to maintaining my mental and emotional well being. And, contrary to my fears of running them off, most of them are still in my life today. (I miss you, Natalie and hate that you left this world but I feel your love and guidance. Can you believe that I am doing this? Who’d have thought?)
“And that leads me to God – and the belief that I am not worthy of God’s love. I seem to be acting out an authority issue here – with the men in my life – starting with God as the big authority figure whose love I have to earn, while trying to hide my less than perfect self. Ha! The sins of Eve. I screwed up and had to leave “The Garden.” My punishment is that I can never have a second chance to do it right and get back in. I’m acting out my “fall” with God, through Ray. Which is why I feel so frantic with Ray. Somehow, I am seeing his rejection as God’s rejection.”
2010: Okay, so maybe I lost some of you on that one. It’s a head job to think that sometimes we act out our relationship with God with the significant people in our lives. It can be a challenging mirror – but so worth the consideration. At this point in my journaling I was just scratching the surface on that piece of the “earning love but I am flawed punishment” puzzle so I am not going to get “ahead of myself” here. Save that for another day. (If it peaks your interest, just ask and I will comment back.)
- Post Number Thirteen: Now, just go and make yourself a nice cup of hot chamomile tea and let this all seep in on an unconscious level.
- A Funny Thought: If I could go back in time, right now? I want to say, “Bernadette, take a break. You’re wearing me out here.” But I won’t because … well, YOU know the answer to that.
Life is good!
- About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.
- If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!
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Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
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Tags: core beliefs, forgiveness, relationships
Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!
Lol! It DOES seem like she’s kinda going ‘crazy’ there but actually IF one does look….I think you’d see a lot of defense mechanisms kicking in to protect the deep hurt she’s feeling….?
No Kidding!!!
Oh my… this has my name written all over it! Fear, fear and more fear at losing everyone, being abandoned all because I’m a huge imposter who got found out. Yep, all me. I remember when I first met my 12 step friends and started calling the “list” of them, I couldn’t believe they’d want to listen to my crap. That’s how bad it was.
Two important lessons for me: 1) The fear of being abandoned and unworthy was so strong that my soul kept calling this issue in again and again and again until I finally saw it with my head and then finally saw it with my heart. In fact, there’s this lingering issue I deal with this weekend. I called this issue in and I think I finally got it with my head this weekend. So now, I don’t feel I have to call it in anymore. Lesson learned. 2) The understanding that my unworthy feelings have nothing to do with other people. Those people were instruments of God being called in to make me see my higher, healed self. I thank God every day now for sending me all my teachers. Without their help, I would not be where I am today.
Good stuff here!! Thank you for opening it up to us.
Two excellent points, Gina! I love how you say, “my soul kept calling this issue in … until I finally saw it with my head and then finally saw it with my heart.” That really cuts through the feelings we sometimes get of being victimized by people and/or circumstances.