Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden
- Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!
“EVERYBODY’S TALKING AT ME.
I DON’T HEAR A WORD THEY’RE SAYING.
ONLY THE ECHOES OF MY MIND.”
Harry Nilsson • Midnight Cowboy
Journal, March 27, 1994 • “An awful afternoon, sorting through tax papers and receipts with Ray … I can’t believe I was so pathetic as to admit to him that I wanted to make love, one last time. And even more – I can’t believe his response …”
Spirit Dialog • “We told you, “Do not ask for what cannot be given,” and yet you did. You asked for it and so have made it harder on yourself … You still do not trust. You still do not let go. You continue to beat yourself up with looking to him. He does not know … Put your wedding ring in the God box if you must. It really does not matter, nor will it alter the course. What will come to pass will do so. Keep writing.”
2010: Ever ask for help then do the opposite of what you’re told? I wasn’t going to post this because it was pretty pathetic. I can say that today with a chuckle and a smile – and THAT is why I am posting it anyway. Because sometimes “pathetic” requests lead us to growth. I know mine did.
Ray delivered a gut punch that I absolutely volunteered for and the angels did not coddle me. I was “looking for love in all the wrong places.” It was time to look in the mirror. Loving me was my responsibility. How could I ask him to do what I could not?
Backwards when you think of it – and yet pathetic still looks like a short cut sometimes.
- Post Number Fifteen: If you have one of “those” moments lurking in the shadows, this post is for you. Know that you are not alone. Toss it in with mine, forgive yourself, love yourself and GROW through it.
- A Funny Thought: If I could go back in time, right now? I would say, “Bernadette, honey. Silly girl. He doesn’t know what he’s saying. Trust me, one day you will BOTH chuckle at this.”
- About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.
- If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!
The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.
You CAN get here from there!
Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
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Tags: relationships, spirit dialog
Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!
I don’t see this as ‘pathetic’. More of a ‘last stand’ you know? Kind of a test to see IF things had changed/were on the path of changing or if they were still the status quo. I think I’d have found it really ODD IF you had NOT tried this one last time.
I have this picture in my head of someone (kinda in silhouette-NOT a specific person) standing at a cliff edge holding tight to a swag of fabric in one hand & arm extended on the other hand. They are leaning out stiff bodied 1/2 afraid to let go & 1/2 excited of the prospect of a *new* change about to happen.
And the sky is lit w/colors like in this photo above.
Kinda silly I suppose…but that’s what’s in my head when I read this.
I don’t know about anybody else, but i know myself and I could NOT have NOT TRIED one more time. Thank God Ray didn’t bite.
I like your visuals. You are quite the artist … maybe you should paint that?
Hmmm……maybe I WILL!!
Once I get these current sculpts done & up for sale!! ;D Thanks for the thought!! 
Pathetic was my middle name. I got over the label and the humiliation from it when I was able to see how the current me being “pathetic” was just me trying to fix the old me. Really, I was being pathetic with myself and my ex was the substitute role.
“… pathetic was just me trying to fix the old me. Really, I was being pathetic with myself and my ex was the substitute role.”
Good point!