- Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!
I’M BREAKING OUT OF PATTERN WITH THIS POST.
On March 28, 1994, I wrote a long letter to Ray that stayed tucked within the pages of my journal, waiting for “permission to send.” The nod never came. Rather than share that letter and comment on it as part of my journal entry for today, I am moved to stay in 2010 and share this one instead.
Betrayal is making itself a home in the headlines it seems. Drama and speculation about the private lives of public couples is rampant. Until now, I’ve kept my thoughts to myself. These couples need space and privacy and I can’t even begin to imagine how successful Ray and I would have been with patching up our mess while the world peered over our shoulders. But Sandra Bullock said something that resonated so deeply with me as a woman in love that I find myself compelled to reach out to her and offer support. This particular corner of the Messy Room is the only channel I have that feels appropriate. So, here goes.
Dear Sandra,
If the angels see fit that this cross your path, know that your experience is being joined with our experience to bless you. That this letter to you is tucked safely in pages that share the healing of a relationship. And that your words to Jesse, “… there’s no surprise that my work got better when I met you, because I never knew what it felt like for someone to have my back …” are what got you here.
The gap between those words and where you find yourself now cannot be measured. I know. I trusted my husband like that. Implicitly. For eighteen years. Until the day he said that he no longer loved me and confessed to loving another. There are no words for that kind of moment.
Sandra, if we could meet, just one woman to another, in a secret place (and this Messy Room might be the next best thing to a secret place) without the drama mongers and the tabloids and the cameras, I would tell you that there is a gift for you in all this. And it is because your heart is huge that you are receiving it.
If you will allow yourself to grow through this you will find what “having your back” means in the toughest of times and that some versions of “having your back” start off looking like a mistake – messy and immature and just ridiculous – and finish off answering to a much higher purpose.
There’s another contract at work here and you both get to choose how conscious you want to be with it.
If Jesse is willing to work at what brought him to this place, if you are willing to work at forgiveness (not pardon), if the two of you can find it within yourselves to be absolutely honest and vulnerable to what got you here with each other – through this time – you will be in a position to create something far better.
You have a beautiful spirit, Sandra. Let this gift expand your heart. I promise you, it won’t break. I pray you get to see what love and forgiveness can do for a couple.
I am holding you in my best thoughts.
Blessings to you both in the days and months ahead,
Bernadette
- Post Number Sixteen: Yeah. I guess that was kind of crazy. Definitely a first for me. Maybe I was just writing that to myself.
- A Funny Thought: If I could go back to 1994, right now? On a side note, I would say, “Bernadette, it’s a good thing you kept that letter to Ray tucked in your journal. It was a silly purge. You don’t see it that way now – but you will have the insight to “pick it apart” later.”
- About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.
- If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!
The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.
You CAN get here from there!
Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad
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Flower Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden
Tags: betrayal, forgiveness, relationships
Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!
It will be interesting to know the outcome of this. I DO hope she reads it & would even check out your other posts about the book…perhaps even getting the book to read in her rare ‘alone’ time.
She is not only one of my fave actresses but also one of the few people I DO admire… for her strength, humor, intelligence, mercy, & beauty (that’s the inside AND outside beauty). It makes me sad that her & Jesse’s relationship has come to this but it’s kinda funny too how things work out.
Perhaps your coming into her life at this time is a part of HER spirit dialog.
Yeah. Ray and I love Sandra for all the reasons you expressed as well. This is certainly one of those “intimate crossroad” moments for her. We are all one in Spirit so I know these words will find their way to her heart whether she reads them or not.
You should contact her rep! This is very nice…
Thanks! How do you do that?
http://famous-relationships.topsynergy.com/Sandra_Bullock/Contact.asp
Thank you for that link, Juliette. I will check it out and see if I am nudged to connect that way.
Bernadette, I’m so happy for you and your husband and it’s great you can give hope to couples. I wonder what it is about Sandra Bullock in particular that makes you want to communicate to her? Why not Tiger’s wife or the SC Goverernor’s wife, or so many other women who’ve been cheated on? Do you really believe Jesse will change through rehab?
He’s obviously such a “bad boy”, and probably always has been. Is it just that you really feel sorry for her, or that you see something in their relationship in particular that makes you feel like they can make it?
I know they had chosen to keep their relationship very private, and I wonder if that made it easier for him to keep his secrets. With the media scrutiny, I believe they have a real uphill battle ahead. The statistics on Hollywood relationships are not good either for even the strongest couples with no betrayals. Don’t you think she might be better off starting over with someone of higher integrity?
Good questions that deserve a thoughtful response, Debbie. Being that I am on the fly, I want to get back to these questions when I can focus because I feel they are important ones and appreciate your giving them voice
Okay, Debbie. On to your questions:
“… what is it about Sandra Bullock in particular that makes you want to communicate to her? Why not Tiger’s wife or the SC Governor’s wife, or so many other women who’ve been cheated on?” – I thought about writing to the other women as well but didn’t want to hook up with the drama. Sandra and Jessie were the “straw” that encouraged me to jump in with my two cents. In a way, I see my letter to Sandra as inclusive to all women experiencing this.
“Do you really believe Jesse will change through rehab?” – I’ve seen hundreds of people (“bad boys” included) change through rehab and recovery programs. I believe in the process. As far as if Jesse can, that depends on his willingness and ability to be honest and do the work – with or without Sandra.
And, no, I do not feel sorry for Sandra any more than I did for me. She is not a victim and neither was I. That is a state of mind. There is something we were supposed to learn from our experience.
“Don’t you think she might be better off starting over with someone of higher integrity?” – If what Jesse struggles with is an addiction, that’s a whole different playing field. Is addiction an integrity issue? I don’t believe it’s all that simple. There are a lot of people who believe it is easier to start over with someone new … integrity, addiction, or not. I guess it depends on the classroom. I certainly questioned that when it ended between Ray and the other woman and we found ourselves considering reconciling. I played around with the idea of a “fresh start” – BRIEFLY – until I realized how much more I would (we would) gain in venturing to trust and forgive. A decision I would not have regretted even if we didn’t make it “the second time.”
From what I hear now on the news, though, Sandra is filing for divorce. But that doesn’t change the higher purpose in all of this and I hope she finds her gift … and Jesse as well. Maybe he has to lose her to have a reason to look in the mirror and find himself.