Old Road. New Map.

Sunset Rooftops

Photo Courtesy of Karla Zdroik

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO



If memory is all you have of the past, and what you base your present choices on, why not give yourself a different “memory” to choose from?


Journal, April 5, 1994 “It’s time to wake up and be conscious of what I’ve been doing. It’s time to change the script. To look in my own mirror. This separation was probably the only thing that would have caught and held my attention so I would stop and look at this victim mentality I support … “


2010:  Starting with a spirit dialog and ending with a vision, there are six entries in my book for April 5th and that presents me with a dilemma. How do I maintain a storyline and support growth without wearing you out?  Because March was such a big month (52 journal entries) there was a lot that I didn’t include in my March posts, some of which I now realize laid the foundation for today’s insights about how we create our reality. (I told you this “out of context” stuff could get messy.)

Today, I’m ditching my concerns about the storyline progression and inviting you to leap with me into some pretty heady stuff about how we use – and abuse – our relationship with time to create our life experiences. (If you are wondering how I got from there to here in just a month, buy the book. And no, that is not a thinly veiled marketing attempt. Just saving a few steps.)

Journal, April 5, 1994 “… I trapped myself in a ‘present’ past [with Ray]. God, it is so clear! I gave my power to the past. In doing that, I recreated the past I wanted to avoid. What a loop! … How different that present moment [with Ray] might have been, and how different this present moment might be, had I made another choice. It still can be, because now I am rewriting that past into a better present.

Every memory that causes me pain can be re-scripted in my visualizations by asking one simple question. “How would that have played out if I had chosen love?”


2010:  Hit the pause button on your remote and reread that last line. (Hey, I said you could do this from your couch didn’t I?) When it comes to the stuff that makes any relationship miserable – expectations, disappointments, resentments, frustrations, compulsions, addictions, anger, betrayal – what does it mean to choose LOVE?  The real deal, not some victimized, codependent version. Pull up a memory and play with that idea for just a moment.

Journal, April 5, 1994 “If I can accept that my power is in the present, I can rewrite these events in meditation as if they are now, and know the correction is made.

If memory is all I have of the past, and what I base my present choices on, why not give myself a different “memory” to choose from?”


2010:  I know. It sounds like the Bernadette of 1994 is getting a little delusional here but just stay with me on this. You will start to see that she is in the process of discovering a valuable tool to freedom.

Journal, April 5, 1994 “With all I’ve read about how to use visualization and affirmation, how to focus on the future I want, how to imagine it as now and extend gratitude as if it has already happened, it never occurred to me that I might be creating this future out of a past based in fear. I struggle in my efforts to create the future experiences I desire when I place so much more credence on my experiences in the past. When I am looking to the future, how can I trust that I am not really trying to prove a selective past?

I know that my memory of the past is not always accurate, making it no more “real’ than a future I have yet to live! So, if I recreate a past memory that allows me to forgive, to let go of guilt, to feel differently about myself, have I not improved my present choices – and so my future? How much more effective to bring future and past to the present in my visualizations. It’s all happening right here, in this moment.

Rewrite the past to experience a more joyful present. Without the expression of fear based in memory, the future can better take care of itself because it will evolve from a series of inspired present moments.”


2010:  Okay. Grab that remote again and hit pause. Ever found yourself in a miserable state – maybe after an argument – proclaiming that there HAS to be a better way? That you’ve had enough? Where’d you go after that? In your head, I mean. Were you, by chance, visualizing your new and improved future while rummaging around in the pieces of the past that didn’t work?

If I don’t write another post for the rest of April and YOU GET JUST THIS …

Our point of power is always in the present.

… I’ll be happy!

Crazy as it seems, this form of visualization that I engaged in changed everything. It showed me how my fears masqueraded as love and how to invite a very present, very real love into my experience – from any vantage point of time. In giving myself permission to be “delusional” and accept my rewrites as the true memories, a door opened and I found freedom on the other side.

So, I’m going to challenge you – just a little – to go back to a moderately painful memory and try it. And when you finish your visualization, proclaim that “It is done” and let God’s messengers take care of the rest.

  • Post Number Twenty: Eckhart Tolle wrote a whole book on the power of now. Abraham-Hicks have written volumes on the law of attraction. They weren’t around in 1994 but other teachers were. For me, the missing link was in my relationship with my memories and how I used them to support my fear of lack, limitation, unworthiness, betrayal – you name it. (I’m sure you can come up with a list of your own.) As far as I’m concerned, a rewrite through the eyes of love beats out a recitation through the eyes of fear any day.
  • A Funny Thought: If I could go back to 1994, right now? I would say, “April 5 was a heck of a day, kiddo. You forced me into writing two blog posts. But keep up the good work.”
  • About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD. You CAN get here from there!


Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad

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4 thoughts on “Old Road. New Map.

  • April 12, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Okay. I know a lot of folks who read this blog … but who say they are shy about commenting … especially being the first! I’m breaking the ice. If you all knew each other the way I know you … you wouldn’t be shy at all! And to those who are “new” to this blog … WELCOME! You are not here by accident!

  • April 13, 2010 at 7:57 pm

    Ok, I literally was on my couch when I started reading this and literally DID hit the pause button on the remote!! I have heard great things about visualizations. I’m going to try what you suggested tonight. I’ll let you know what happens.

  • April 15, 2011 at 8:40 am

    There’s a Zen story that goes: A fierce and terrifying band of samurai was riding through the countryside, bringing fear and harm wherever they went. As they were approaching one particular town, all the monks in the town’s monastery fled, except for the abbot. When the band of warriors entered the monastery, they found the abbot sitting at the front of the shrine room in perfect posture. The fierce leader took out his sword and said, “Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you know that I’m the sort of person who could run you through with my sword without batting an eye?” The Zen master responded, “And I, sir, am the sort of man who could be run through by a sword without batting an eye.” In most instances we are like the fierce leader; seldom are we like the Zen master. Too often we stab our emotional selves to death with our fear when someone “hurts” us or is “being unfair” etc.. without realizing it’s we, not the “other” who is doing the stabbing, it’s us putting on the victim mantle that causes our pain. I know it’s an old saw but it’s a good one: you can’t control what someone else does, you can only control your own reaction. Love “Bernadette’s Pages”. Everyone who’s ever “hurt” should have a copy. There are many lessons to be learned there.

    • April 15, 2011 at 9:01 am

      Thank you for sharing that story. 🙂 AND this: “Too often we stab our emotional selves to death with our fear when someone “hurts” us or is “being unfair” etc.. without realizing it’s we, not the “other” who is doing the stabbing, it’s us putting on the victim mantle that causes our pain.” That can never be brought to our awareness enough when in a challenging situation. All classrooms!

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