The Midnight Cowgirl

StoneMountainSunset

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

EVERYBODY’S TALKING AT ME. I DON’T HEAR A WORD THEY’RE SAYING. ONLY THE ECHOES OF MY MIND. – Harry Nilsson • Midnight Cowboy

Journal, March 27, 1994 “An awful afternoon, sorting through tax papers and receipts with Ray … I can’t believe I was so pathetic as to admit to him that I wanted to make love, one last time. And even more – I can’t believe his response …”

Spirit Dialog “We told you, “Do not ask for what cannot be given,” and yet you did. You asked for it and so have made it harder on yourself … You still do not trust. You still do not let go. You continue to beat yourself up with looking to him. He does not know … Put your wedding ring in the God box if you must. It really does not matter, nor will it alter the course. What will come to pass will do so. Keep writing.”

2010: Ever ask for help then do the opposite of what you’re told? I wasn’t going to post this because it was pretty pathetic. I can say that today Read more

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Angel Whispers. Spirit Dialogs.

KZPurpleSky

Photos – Courtesy of Karla Zdroik

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

ANGEL WHISPERS. SPIRIT DIALOGS.

Journal, March 26, 1994 “I’ve gone back and read quite a few pages from my journal. I see a very unhappy woman in denial. How obsessed with Ray I’ve been! Even without Shelly, we could not have gone on without honestly addressing some issues. I’m afraid to trust myself with the information you have given me …”

Spirit Dialog “She is needed still, to make certain that you do not let him back in the door too soon. She is for you more than for him … you will see the transition occur … Use this solitude to know yourself and your connection with us. You must learn to trust and relax in the Read more

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My Greatest Fear?

Bernadette's Musings from the Messy Room: Then and Now.

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

MY GREATEST FEAR?

Session Reflections Journal, March 22, 1994 “A lot came out of my session with Sandra this morning … I have to find a healthier way to address the feeling that I screwed up, and the belief that I’m not worthy of love. That’s where my panic comes from – my lack of patience with Ray’s retreat from me. I see his actions as proof that I’m not worthy – and I have no resistance to the feelings that surface as a result. They tell me that I must earn love. That I’m not good enough to receive it just as I am. “Screwed up” also feeds into a belief that I can never truly redeem myself because I am defective … and because of that, should be punished. That’s how I perceive Ray’s treatment of me. He’s punishing me for being flawed.”

2010: I have to get this out of the way – so humor me. WOW! Ray had been out of the house four days – FOUR DAYS – and Sandra had me doing this kind of work based on what I wrote in my purging journal? I believed that I was not worthy of love and so had to EARN it? It sounded crazy to me. And yet, when Sandra and I started following the threads, there was Read more

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Sleep With Me?

Karla's Sunset

Photo – Courtesy of Karla Zdroik

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

SLEEP WITH ME?

Forgiveness & Purging Journal, March 21, 1994 “It’s 5:31 a.m., and today is the anniversary of our first date. I’m awake and angry – absolutely livid at what Ray said before moving out, when he mistook my request that he sleep with me as a desire to make love. I can’t believe he said that would be an emotional betrayal to Shelly … That #!@!&#! … He’s concerned about his loyalty to her? This is insane!”

2010: I have to admit, this entry makes me squirm a little and I have considered not posting it. Some of the sexual references that follow in the book feel a little too intimate and vulnerable for this kind of forum so I’m compromising here. I know. That sounds weird being that the book is published but pulling an entry like this out of context gets tricky. I bring the world into our bedroom on this one. Read more

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Hold My Hand

Sepia Blue Flower

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

HOLD MY HAND

Journal, March 20, 1994 “Friday night, Ray moved out. Inside I was racing, but the session I’d had with Sandra helped to keep me acting relatively calm. It was so weird. He came in with empty boxes and groceries for dinner. He thought we’d have a bite together. Talking about this and that. Packing a box here and there. Like a kid leaving home, not a husband leaving a marriage. I was going crazy inside. After a couple hours of this, I finally commented on it. Don’t remember what I said, only that it was pretty pointed and pissed him off. He wasted no time after that. It must have been after ten o’clock when he got the last box out and headed over to Charles’s.”

“What a strange twist of inspiration that was! Me – of all people – coming up with a place that Ray could live … I don’t even know what made me think of Charles. I just remember Ray mentioning him, in passing, as an acting buddy … Who knows. Maybe I was just desperate to get him out of here – or maybe I was desperate that he not move in with her …”

2010: Devastating. And strange. As I read that passage, I can’t help but chuckle a little about how the reality of Ray’s leaving presented in such a surreal way. When Ray carried in groceries for OUR dinner, I felt like I had just slipped into an episode of The Twilight Zone. (Complete with eerie background music.) The evening marked a major transition point for both of us. I chose to stay and witness the move, not to change his mind (obviously, or I would not have offered the suggestion about Charles) but to make it real in my mind. I needed to see it happen. And here this man walks in all chatty Read more

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