Photo – Courtesy of Karla Zdroik

• Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

SLEEP WITH ME?

Forgiveness & Purging Journal, March 21, 1994 • “It’s 5:31 a.m., and today is the anniversary of our first date. I’m awake and angry – absolutely livid at what Ray said before moving out, when he mistook my request that he sleep with me as a desire to make love. I can’t believe he said that would be an emotional betrayal to Shelly … That #!@!&#! … He’s concerned about his loyalty to her? This is insane!”

2010: I have to admit, this entry makes me squirm a little and I have considered not posting it. Some of the sexual references that follow in the book feel a little too intimate and vulnerable for this kind of forum so I’m compromising here. I know. That sounds weird being that the book is published but pulling an entry like this out of context gets tricky. I bring the world into our bedroom on this one.

I’m posting this because there is a way to move beyond the pain expressed in this entry, a pain that loves to take us hostage and keep us there long after betrayal. The forgiveness and purging exercise that Sandra gave me got me back on my feet and moved me toward releasing and healing. There is no residual left to heal here, folks. It is gone. Erased.

March 21, 1994 was the day my journaling process christened this exercise. (After which it shows up A LOT!!!) So, as I share in my Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages,

“… if you find yourself carting around more than your share of unease, disappointment, frustration, or resentment because of a relationship or life situation – or if you find yourself on anger overload, raging at the moon … Tool number three is where the rubber hit the road for me. Where my spinout found traction. (Just short of the cliff!) In this section, I highlight shortcuts that will help you:

• PINPOINT the reason for your anger. (Sorry, it’s not always that S.O.B.)
• PURGE the anger. (Once and for all.)
• FORGIVE. (And move on to your happy-ever-after.)

I am really not checking out on you here. I am sharing “principles before personalities” and inviting you to click on this link for the ‘magic’ formula.

• Post Number Twelve: If I could get on the top of a mountain and be heard. If no one ever read ANY OTHER POST in this series … THIS ONE IS IT … THE BIG IT! Purge the fear. Purge the guilt. FORGIVE AND MOVE ON! Ray and I are proof that it can be done. Successfully done. Not some compromised, white-knuckling-it version but the REAL deal. I am here at this keyboard, IN MY TRUTH and filled with gratitude for all I’ve had the pleasure to experience since that ‘dreadful’ day in 1994. And I am sharing it all with you. So that makes you VERY important. You are not here by accident.

• A Funny Thought: If I could go back in time, right now? I would tell Bernadette that Ray wants pizza for dinner and is willing to go and get it! And that I am going to take him up on that!

• About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.

• If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

You CAN get here from there!

Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad

If you like this then LIKE this and SHARE it. Together we grow!

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

• Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

MOVING DAY TREMORS

Journal, March 18, 1994 • “Last night I tore up the copy of  “The Artist’s Way” that Ray gave me. Page by page. I was so methodical. So angry … I didn’t know the woman who could do this. I couldn’t control her. Scribbled “commentaries,” in crayon, on the pages. Things I have been wanting to say to him but haven’t. I shredded the silk I bought on one of my recent artist dates. I was going to make pillows. God, that hurt … But I couldn’t stop. The paint by number kit I’d started, another artist date inspiration, was next. I loved those as a kid. Just tossed it into the garbage! I’m not letting him have any part of my artist self. I am accepting no contributions from him.”

“I packed up all our special love trinkets. The cards. The handmade gifts … Tossed “The Artist’s Way” pages on top … He can take it all with him.”

“When he got home, it upset him to see what I had done. He seemed really sad that I would destroy things that were important to me. Like they were sacred somehow. More sacred than this marriage he’s leaving? He tried to rescue the paint kit out of the trash can but I wouldn’t let him. This man baffles me. Why should he care? It was my stuff.”

2010: That was an intense night – on so many levels. I didn’t know the woman who could do that. I didn’t know the woman Ray was leaving anymore than he did and somewhere in the tearing and shredding and scribbling my OWN betrayal was starting to emerge. More than husband, this man had committed to being my spiritual partner, my recovery partner, my lover, my best friend and creative cohort while I slowly disappeared in my doing-ness. I’m not saying I was shallow or lazy. I was very busy with all that mattered – seen and unseen – but my fears crept in between Ray and me and they rendered me invisible, even to myself. I made it easy for him to leave because I left me first. When I look at that today, I understand HIS pain when he tried to rescue that not so silly little paint by number kit from the trash.

I’m grateful that I’ve not had to tear up any more books since then. (Though I still have a flair for the dramatic that has to be reigned in from time to time.) And I love the way Ray honors me in my art. As a matter of fact, he just spent several weeks clearing and organizing his studio to make room for me and my latest artistic “musing.” Have to watch what I say because now the heat is on. (Self-imposed heat. I mean, if you had seen what he had to clear out … I took pictures!)

“Went to Sandra’s first thing this morning for a “Help” session because Ray moves out tonight … I told her what I had done last night. She wants me to look at why I would choose to destroy things that are meaningful to me. She’s given me my first official writing assignment, outside of my usual journaling, and wants me to start right away …”

2010: I’m challenged not to get ahead of Bernadette-then in today’s post and find myself wanting to comment on things that haven’t “happened” yet. I titled this entry “moving day tremors” because, even though Ray moves out “tonight,” I don’t actually write about the evening’s interactions until two days later. (Yes, I stayed and watched him pack and move and you can think whatever you want about that.) I will offer this, though, it was a Friday night in 1994 when he moved out and the weekend ahead looked very empty.

For those of you who haven’t read my book, Sandra is the therapist who guided me through the separation. In this instance, she helped me to map my anger. To not be afraid of it. And to get to the core of my self-destructive impulses so I could make better choices. I see your eyes glazing over – but when you realize that it only took nine months to purge the !&*@#! that stood between me and all the good stuff – her homework looks like a short cut!

If you struggle with any kind of resentment or anger toward ANY situation (past or present) you might find it helpful to read this step-by-step guide for “anger detox” under the blog category A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages.  Link to anger detox guide.

• Post Number Ten: Funny to think that sixteen years ago, today, I was sure the world was coming to an end and that eighteen years would be the longest time I’d ever be with one man. Just goes to show, sometimes when we think we know – we don’t.

• A Funny Thought: If I could go back in time, right now, I would give Bernadette a BIG HUG for doing Sandra’s homework! (I still use the anger detox formula today – though now I have a shorter version.)

• About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.

• If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

You CAN get here from there!

Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad

If you like this then LIKE this and SHARE it. Together we grow!

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

• Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

HOW DARE HE

Journal, March 6, 1994 • “I’m drinking a cup of valerian tea, hoping I can get back to sleep. Slept for two hours. The terrible burning that’s been in the pit of my stomach for the past couple of days has dissolved into a trembling between my stomach and my heart. The overlapping physical and emotional sensations are very strange. The burning feels like fear boring right through my stomach, while the trembling feels like mini-explosions threatening to shatter my heart. When I try to focus on calming my heart, fear races into a pure rage that merges so rapidly with pain, my heart feels as if it is being physically wrenched from my ribcage. I honestly feel as if it is breaking! Then the rage darts up and catches in my throat, choking me – telling me that I will soon have to find a way to give this anger, this fear a voice.”

2010: This is a tough read. I feel such compassion for the woman who wrote this … and for the man who was the catalyst. I remember this moment so clearly. I was wrestling with unadulterated rage for the first time in my life. I thought it was about Ray and the betrayal but it was about years of stuffing my anger. About my fear to feel it. About keeping busy, maintaining control, and staying one step ahead of situations that could invite it. (Not that I was ever successful.) About depression, unrecognized and expressed through starving my body anytime it got too close.

My heart was cracked open – so I could see the many ways I had betrayed myself. One of them being with my judgment on anger, a  judgment that kept me from finding healthier ways to address it.

“Tonight I saw Ray in a different light. I saw how screwed up he really is and how I have placed him on a pedestal. I am so pissed off … He wanted her to be the one. He needed her to be the one, so he could stay numb to us and the dysfunction we’d shared for so many years … so he could keep score and justify his choice …”

“Damn! He’s anesthetized now! … He’ll leave and not feel the pain of separation because he has her to distract him … He’s running! … How dare he! How dare he say he has no feelings left for me! He wants no feelings! Damn!”

2010: How much pain that man was in – to do what he did. And how grateful I am to him for upsetting the status quo because I was too busy managing my fears to hear his pleas or see where we were heading. Today, I acknowledge “bad behavior” (his and mine) as some form of fear – and thus the painful reactions are not so hard to navigate through.

“Spirit says Ray has no forgiveness for himself and so cannot for me. That only forgiveness can bring the shift in perception needed to allow us to work through this, to allow him to see himself as he desires to be.”

2010: Ah … The Voice for sanity that loved us through the maze!

• Day Number Four: Find myself measuring my progress with anger today. I am certainly not afraid of expressing it now. (Sometimes, maybe, a bit too liberal and dramatic.) But it never lasts for long and I (we) always manage to grow from what gets put out on the table. My fear was always, if I showed anyone my anger they would leave me. Today, I trust enough to know that the real love doesn’t leave.

• A Funny Thought: If I could go back in time, right now, I would tell her that it’s a crisp blue Saturday afternoon … And I would ask her to skip a day of writing so I could take a break. OH! Look there in the book. She does!

• About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.

• If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

You CAN get here from there!

Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad

If you like this then LIKE this and SHARE it. Together we grow!

However, if you find yourself carting around more than your share of unease, disappointment, frustration, or resentment because of a relationship or life situation – or if you find yourself on anger overload, raging at the moon, stick around.

Tired of Lugging Around Anger?
Tool number three is where the rubber hit the road for me. Where my spinout found traction. (Just short of the cliff!) In this section, I highlight two shortcuts that will help you:

• Pinpoint the reason for your anger. (Sorry, it’s not always that S.O.B.)
• Purge the anger. (Once and for all.)
• Forgive. (And move on to your happy-ever-after.)

_____________________________________

• ShortCut #1:  PURGING & FORGIVENESS JOURNAL
We all experience anger differently. For me, it was not an overt challenge. Oldest of five in a dysfunctional family, I learned to ‘live with’ and ‘adjust’ my anger. Most of the time, my anger took on the character of a pesky mole tearing up the lawn. (Tunnels evidence something going on but you don’t know where the little bugaboo is or when he is likely to pop up.)

So when Ray expressed his desire to separate I expected to be angry – but was surprised to find out just how angry. If I thought I was uncomfortable having anger, I found I was even more uncomfortable expressing it. This homework from Sandra (page 29 in Bernadette’s Pages) gave me a way to isolate, vent and purge anger without increasing anxiety about living through the repercussions of it. In other words, keeping a purging and forgiveness journal saved me from needing to manifest situations where I could vent my anger or act it out in ways that were characteristically unhealthy for me. (Anorexia. Isolation. Co-dependency.)

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

• Get a separate notebook. Do not use your regular journal. We are isolating your anger. (Sorry, no computer keyboards. It takes the organic feel of pen and paper to officiate the purge.)
• Write, “Forgiveness Journal to Purge My Anger Toward _____,” on the cover.
• Flip to the first page. Write a letter to God. Ask Him to bless the journal, place the words written under His protection, and transform them into forgiveness and peace. And close with thank you.
• When you are angry, this is where you dump it. Start with, “I am angry that …” (ala morning pages, don’t censor.)
• When there is nothing left to vent, write, “I need to learn to forgive that.” Then write these two questions. “ What am I afraid of? Why am I holding onto this?”
• Write whatever answers comes to mind. (Don’t censor.)
• Finish with “God (Holy Spirit), please heal these fears. I need to learn to forgive this.”

_____________________________________

Here’s a warm-up sample of how this works from page 34:
“I’m angry that … he would do for her what he would not do for me. I feel used … He talks about ‘making it right,’ paying his debts and clearing the tab. How dare he cheapen our relationship to no more than a slate he can wipe clean and then walk away!”
“I’m afraid that … I really screwed up and am being punished by his withdrawal. That this woman can give him something I can’t. That what she offers has more value in his eyes than what I have already given.”
“I’m holding onto this because … I want another chance … I want to correct my errors … I want to know I can do this right!”

Here’s a sample from page 76 where I am well past the warm-up:
“ Ray, you asshole! I can’t believe I let you off the hook so easily while our sex life vanished!”
“I’m afraid that … my denial caused this break between us. If I had been more aware, or less fearful, I would have addressed my needs … I feel like I made the ground fertile for him to find his passion with her.”
“I’m holding onto this because … I want another chance.”
“Holy Spirit, heal these fears. I need to learn to forgive this.”

The brilliance of this exercise is that it let me have my anger, showed me the fear that fueled it, the guilt that sustained it, and where to direct the forgiveness that released it. Sandra never told me to forgive Ray. Had she, I could not have done it. But seeing that I needed to forgive myself – and doing so – allowed me to forgive Ray without forgiving him. In other words, by the time I was finished forgiving me and turned to forgive him, the work was already done!

Theo says this is intense stuff and suggests you try this 'paws and refresh' position.

_____________________________________

• ShortCut #2:  MY ATTACK. MY FEAR. MY GUILT.
In April, Spirit wrote, “Your anger comes from fear. Work with the fears. You are not so sad now, as you are afraid. Afraid you have no value …” In this instance, I was directed to isolate my ‘need’ to be given a second chance with Ray – head on – and address my fear that he was never coming back because, at that point, he wasn’t. The prospect of living the rest of my life without him – engulfed with anger, remorse, panic, anxiety, and fear – was a great motivator to do my homework.

The twist to this exercise is that it asks you to see your anger as an attack – not a defense. (A tough pill to swallow when you see yourself as the victim of another person or circumstance.)

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

You do not have to record this in your purging journal because its tone is more exploratory than venting. However, as always, follow your own instinct.

Start with the question: Why am I afraid that …
Then filter your answer through each of these lenses.
• My Attack
• My Fear
• My Guilt

And finish with the question: Can I Forgive This?
_____________________________________

Here’s a sample from page 91:
Why am I afraid that Ray will never come back?
• My Attack. “How dare he want to spend time with Shelly and not with me …”
• My Fear. “He prefers her … He loves her …”
• My Guilt. “I’m no fun. I lost my capacity for play. I’m boring.”
Can I Forgive This? “I want to. Just because I got too serious does not mean I am not worthy of love.”

When I finished this exercise, I saw how I sabotaged forgiveness (for both of us) by insisting that redemption came only with a second chance. Holding onto my belief that forgiveness was dependent on Ray changing his view of me perpetuated an anxiety producing fear-attack-guilt cycle.

When Ray and I started seeing each other again, Spirit directed me to look at a more subtle version of this cycle with this comment; “It has been necessary for you to see how much you still attack (Ray) with your fear for his well being …”

What an uncomfortable eye-opener it was to see how fear for Ray spoke to a lack of trust in him. (Not to mention, God.) My concerns and worry for Ray ultimately demeaned him and me because when I couldn’t trust – when I felt insecure about anything – it didn’t matter whether I was protecting, defending, or attacking. I was choosing fear over love. Results, at best, were politely strained. At worst, well, you read the book. (Worry does not bring out my best behavior! Need I say more?)

Free To Follow The Yellow Brick Road
These shortcuts move you beyond the precariousness of pardoning as an answer to anger. To quote my blog post, Forgive That #!@&!#!? Why? “Pardoning, at best, offers a peace that teeters atop past offenses, stashed yet never forgotten. Throw a few more offenses on top of the pile and this version of forgiveness crumbles rapidly…”  (Click to read the whole article.)

Combine these two shortcuts with Tool #2: Reframing (For those of you who are skipping around) and you are well on your way to the Emerald City, Kansas, or wherever you’d like your ruby slippers to take you. (Without feeling like you sacrificed or betrayed yourself along the way!)

Don’t believe me? That’s okay. Pick a gripe or angst of your own, apply these tools, and experience the freedom for yourself.

_____________________________________
A Few “Under Fire” Samples
Shortcut #1: Pgs. 33, 34, 35, 42, 43, 48, 76
Pg. 36: Greatest fear = negative core belief behind anxiety and panic.
Shortcut #2: April: Pgs. 90 – 93. July: Pgs. 184 – 185, 187 – 188
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A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2008

Click for Tool#4: Gratitude While Dodging Bullets

Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see the 2-minute video book trailer!

So, this is the place for those of you who have questions about Tool #3 to get answers – and those of you with experience, strength, and hope to jump in and share.

Did you like this? Then “LIKE” this and SHARE it with your friends!