Messy Love: Are You a Definer or a Refiner?

Messy Love Definer or Refiner

Here’s an idea to play around with. The next time someone or something upsets you, ask yourself, “Does this define me or refine me?”

Why? Because your answer determines how you move through the experience and the baggage you carry afterward.

Let’s see what Webster has to say about these two words.

Define: to determine the limits or nature of; describe exactly.

Hmmm. “Determine the limits” seems pretty limiting. And “describe exactly” is a crazy-making quest. I don’t know about you but my life – and upsets – defy any exacting description. This defining business is feeling a bit tense.

Refine: to free or become free of impurities. To make or become more polished.

To “become free” and “more polished.” All right. I’m exhaling here. This feels like something I can grab hold of when grappling with an upset.

How a Defining Moment Becomes a Refining Moment. Stop. Ask the question. “Does this define me or refine me?” Make a conscious decision. Then proceed in the direction of your answer.

When my ex husband left to explore a relationship with another woman – back in the days of Bernadette’s Pages – you could say his act defined our marriage (failed), himself as a man (untrustworthy), and me as a wife (not good enough).

Failed. Untrustworthy. Not Good Enough. Now there’s a tidy package that determined “the limits or nature of” what happened between us. Had I accepted this view as my definer I would have gotten stuck, acting out patterns of betrayal, anger, resentment, bitterness, guilt, shame, remorse, confusion, mistrust, defensiveness … Read more

Pin It

Spring Fever Rebellion

Pink Flower

 
Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

Now that I’ve officially fallen flat on my blogging b!?#@! I will confess to what I can only identify as spring fever rebellion. (So much for the idea of matching posting days with journal entry days.)

How to proceed from here? I could “catch up” by fudging the posting dates. If you just got here you’d never know. Then I could shrug my absence off to a mysterious Internet snafu for those of you who get this on feed. Or – I could just offer short snippets to get us current and ask for your forgiveness.

Hmmm. Guess which one? (You get to practice forgiveness!) In the interest of saving time, I am not posting any 2010 comments. Instead, I have selected a progression of short journal entries and spirit dialogs that will hopefully tell the story and share the “classroom” in a self-explanatory way. If you have questions, just ask. Here we go!


JOURNAL THEN –––

Journal, April 8, 1994 “… When these racing hormones kick in, the idea of finding comfort or distraction in another man is Read more

Pin It

Telepathic Teleflora

flowers

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

TELEPATHIC TELEFLORA

Journal, March 13, 1994 “The events of late yesterday morning are racing through my mind. Ray and I were having such a good talk. There was a feeling of hope. Then bam! How something can get out of hand so fast! I feel so bad about what happened …”

“Damn. Why couldn’t he have just lied? How could I have known about the flowers he sent her? It came through like a bolt of lightning. A lousy time to be telepathic! Why did I even ask him?”

2010: My Angels had me pegged on that one. I was easing in. Trying to figure out how to change his mind. Campaigning, you could say. That teleflora-flash is what I call a psychic slap, a “Don’t run back into the burning building, Bernadette. We have a Plan.”

I always tell people I work with that they don’t have to go looking. What they need to know will come to them when they need to know it. Information that finds us ‘lightens” us. It’s an invitation to remember that we are not alone and we have a choice to participate in a Divine ordering. “Snoopy” info just serves to anchor in the very fears we think we can escape in “learning the facts.”

Think about it. Ever stumble across something when you weren’t looking? Trust me, I was looking in the opposite direction of those flowers Read more

Pin It

The Roller Coaster

One Way Roller Coaster

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

THE ROLLER COASTER

Journal, March 12, 1994 “Last night I felt relief when he said he didn’t discount the possibility that we may find ourselves together again. I don’t recall the exact words. I only know that he had not said them before.”

“I reminded him that the first words out of his mouth, the night he expressed his desire for a separation, had to do with another woman. How could I not assume that she was the sole reason for his leaving – even though he gave me others. He admitted that was, in part, what he believed at the time but that in talking with Cliff he’d become aware of a shift in his thinking. Now he knows he has to be on his own to do what he needs to do. Period. Yet he still wants to see her. And that still frightens me.”

2010: Ever do that? Grab hold of something and try to figure it out so you can “fix” it? It’s an exhaustingly wild ride whenever I go into my “analyze every twist and turn” mode.

  • Post Number Eight: Really, I just posted this so those who don’t have the book can know that Ray was not a bad guy. It gets tricky pulling Read more
Pin It

Back Home

VineYards

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

BACK HOME

Journal, March 10, 1994 “I still feel calm this morning, even though I am back at the house with Ray. Maybe I’m just numb. I now know that I can live here alone. I know we can’t go back, that I don’t want him this way. The other woman is not so much a factor, nor his rejection of me. I find myself focused more on how we have related through the years … I will give him one more chance to reconcile. If he doesn’t go for it, I’m asking him to move out … Being without him scares me. Even though I came off as independent – emotionally, I always put him first.”

2010: Step one. Clear the minefield. A clean break was better than a blown limb. Step two. Stop running around in someone else’s shadow – time to get reacquainted with the sun and make one of my own!

“Tonight I’ll pick up Peggy from the airport. I’m grateful for her desire to come regardless of the circumstances. She was so clear when she said to forget my big sister stuff and asked if I wanted her to be here. It cut right through my shit. All I could say was “Yes.” It was as if she read my mind and knew my fear when she Read more

Pin It