Posts Tagged ‘betrayal’

Spring Fever Rebellion

Saturday, April 24th, 2010
Pink Flower
Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden
  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

Now that I’ve officially fallen flat on my blogging b!?#@! I will confess to what I can only identify as spring fever rebellion. (So much for the idea of matching posting days with journal entry days.)

How to proceed from here? I could “catch up” by fudging the posting dates. If you just got here you’d never know. Then I could shrug my absence off to a mysterious Internet snafu for those of you who get this on feed. Or – I could just offer short snippets to get us current and ask for your forgiveness.

Hmmm. Guess which one? (You get to practice forgiveness!) In the interest of saving time, I am not posting any 2010 comments. Instead, I have selected a progression of short journal entries and spirit dialogs that will hopefully tell the story and share the “classroom” in a self-explanatory way. If you have questions, just ask.

HERE WE GO!

Journal, April 8, 1994 • “… When these racing hormones kick in, the idea of finding comfort or distraction in another man is (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 7 Comments »

An Open Letter To Sandra Bullock

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Sandra Bullock

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

I’M BREAKING OUT OF PATTERN WITH THIS POST.

On March 28, 1994, I wrote a long letter to Ray that stayed tucked within the pages of my journal, waiting for “permission to send.” The nod never came. Rather than share that letter and comment on it as part of my journal entry for today, I am moved to stay in 2010 and share this one instead.

Betrayal is making itself a home in the headlines it seems. Drama and speculation about the private lives of public couples is rampant. Until now, I’ve kept my thoughts to myself. These couples need space and privacy and I can’t even begin to imagine how successful Ray and I would have been with patching up our mess while the world peered over our shoulders. But Sandra Bullock said something that resonated so deeply with me as a woman in love that I find myself compelled to reach out to her and offer support. This particular corner of the Messy Room is the only channel I have that feels appropriate. So, here goes.

Pink Flowers

Dear Sandra,

If the angels see fit that this cross your path, know that your experience is being joined with our experience to bless you. That this letter to you is tucked safely in pages that share the healing of a relationship. And that your words to Jesse, “… (more…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 10 Comments »

Telepathic Teleflora

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

flowers

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

TELEPATHIC TELEFLORA

Journal, March 13, 1994 • “The events of late yesterday morning are racing through my mind. Ray and I were having such a good talk. There was a feeling of hope. Then bam! How something can get out of hand so fast! I feel so bad about what happened …”

“Damn. Why couldn’t he have just lied? How could I have known about the flowers he sent her? It came through like a bolt of lightning. A lousy time to be telepathic! Why did I even ask him?”

2010: My Angels had me pegged on that one. I was easing in. Trying to figure out how to change his mind. Campaigning, you could say. That teleflora-flash is what I call a psychic slap, a “Don’t run back into the burning building, Bernadette. We have a Plan.”

I always tell people I work with that they don’t have to go looking. What they need to know will come to them when they need to know it. Information that finds us ‘lightens” us. It’s an invitation to remember that we are not alone and we have a choice to participate in a Divine ordering. “Snoopy” info just serves to anchor in the very fears we think we can escape in “learning the facts.”

Think about it. Ever stumble across something when you weren’t looking? Trust me, I was looking in the opposite direction of those flowers (more…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 6 Comments »

The Roller Coaster

Friday, March 12th, 2010

One Way Roller Coaster

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

THE ROLLER COASTER

Journal, March 12, 1994 • “Last night I felt relief when he said he didn’t discount the possibility that we may find ourselves together again. I don’t recall the exact words. I only know that he had not said them before.”

“I reminded him that the first words out of his mouth, the night he expressed his desire for a separation, had to do with another woman. How could I not assume that she was the sole reason for his leaving – even though he gave me others. He admitted that was, in part, what he believed at the time but that in talking with Cliff he’d become aware of a shift in his thinking. Now he knows he has to be on his own to do what he needs to do. Period. Yet he still wants to see her. And that still frightens me.”

2010: Ever do that? Grab hold of something and try to figure it out so you can “fix” it? It’s an exhaustingly wild ride whenever I go into my “analyze every twist and turn” mode.

  • Post Number Eight: Really, I just posted this so those who don’t have the book can know that Ray was not a bad guy. It gets tricky pulling (more…)

Tags: ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 1 Comment »

Back Home

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

VineYards

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

BACK HOME

Journal, March 10, 1994 • “I still feel calm this morning, even though I am back at the house with Ray. Maybe I’m just numb. I now know that I can live here alone. I know we can’t go back, that I don’t want him this way. The other woman is not so much a factor, nor his rejection of me. I find myself focused more on how we have related through the years … I will give him one more chance to reconcile. If he doesn’t go for it, I’m asking him to move out … Being without him scares me. Even though I came off as independent – emotionally, I always put him first.”

2010: Step one. Clear the minefield. A clean break was better than a blown limb. Step two. Stop running around in someone else’s shadow – time to get reacquainted with the sun and make one of my own!

“Tonight I’ll pick up Peggy from the airport. I’m grateful for her desire to come regardless of the circumstances. She was so clear when she said to forget my big sister stuff and asked if I wanted her to be here. It cut right through my shit. All I could say was “Yes.” It was as if she read my mind and knew my fear when she (more…)

Tags: ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 1 Comment »

On Angels’ Wings

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

 

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

ON ANGEL’S WINGS

Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 4, 1994 • “The pain is intense. I keep trying to remind myself that this is pain for what may come, not pain for this very second. This very second, Ray is in bed. Moments before, I lay in his arms. Awake. Trying to keep my mind from racing to the time when he will not be here.”

2010: I had no sooner finished writing those words when, to my surprise, I found myself scribing these!

“Let go. Let go. Trust God. That’s all you truly have, Bernadette … if you are to live through this pain, you must use every tool you have ever learned to stay in the moment. … We know you wanted to dump your feelings on paper here, but nothing new would have been written this morning. More important than your knowing the connection, is your accepting the connection with us. We are here.”

We are here? (more…)

Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 10 Comments »

Falling

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Falling

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

FALLING

Journal, March 3, 1994 • “Missed a day in my journal and a hell of a one at that. Now I know what those incredible waves of sadness were about on my flight back from the gift show in New York. Why I felt like crying when the plane landed. The weird irritation that surfaced when Ray picked me up in the terminal. He felt like a stranger. Distant, in a way I couldn’t put my finger on …”

2010: Ever fall? Did you see it coming? Physical falls are always curious. It’s like time slows to witness the tumble as you try to catch yourself. It’s amazing how many thoughts can go through your mind in a manner of seconds. You are both victim and observer as you find yourself suddenly assessing your body’s relationship with gravity, hard surfaces and sharp objects.

“Last night, when he said we needed to talk, all the foreboding came flooding in. I was devastated. Even before he confessed to wanting a separation. To there being another woman. And right now I feel so crazy with it – I just want to die!”

2010: I chose the word “falling” for my first journal entry because Ray’s leaving felt a lot like that to me. I sensed precariousness in our marriage, like walking along the edge of a ravine at dusk but, honestly, I thought we were maintaining our balance. When he confessed to wanting a separation, I slipped over the edge and (more…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 10 Comments »

Introduction to Your Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages

Thursday, May 7th, 2009

cgliteswlk018

What People Are Saying
“Intense … raw … feel like I’m reading my own thoughts … can only read a little at a time … a lot to digest.”

And my favorite, “My God, girl, reading your book was like passing a car wreck on the expressway. I didn’t want to look but – I couldn’t stop turning the pages.” (Thanks, Pam!)

Voyeurism Has Its Place
I do not doubt the guidance I received to publish my journal – intense as it is – as a journal. Fictionalizing the pages or converting them to a self-help book would have sacrificed the profound healing offered through their invitation to voyeurism; a voyeurism that connects our shared reactions to life’s gut-punch moments and allows us to consider the many ways we struggle to catch our breath. (The ones that work and the ones that don’t.)

But many ask questions that Bernadette’s Pages cannot answer directly because I did publish it ‘as is.’

I am writing this guide to answer some of those questions. To move beyond the drama (reflected in the comments above) and expand on the formulas for healing found within B’s Pages. Posting this guide in the Messy Room allows for a more ‘bite-size,’ casual sharing that I hope will reinforce the healing process initiated by the book. (Plus, if you don’t get what I am saying here, you can ask me to clarify.)

Everybody Likes Short Cuts
Tucked within B’s Pages is an extraordinary map for healing whatever stands between you and the life you were meant to live. I am highlighting the 10 key tools found within the book that, when applied, will save you time in getting to whatever your version of happily-ever-after is to look like. (No car wrecks (more…)

Tags: , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Companion Guide | 3 Comments »

Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages: Tool Number 3 of 10

Monday, December 22nd, 2008

PURGING ANGER. FINDING FORGIVENESS.
If you’ve never felt irritable, resentful or angry, skip this section. If there is no one you’ve felt challenged to forgive – even for a day – yourself included, cruise on to the next tool. (The rest of us will catch up later.)

However, if you find yourself carting around more than your share of unease, disappointment, frustration, or resentment because of a relationship or life situation – or if you find yourself on anger overload, raging at the moon, stick around.

Tired of Lugging Around Anger?
Tool number three is where the rubber hit the road for me. Where my spinout found traction. (Just short of the cliff!) In this section, I highlight two (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Companion Guide | 5 Comments »

Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages: Tool Number 1 of 10

Wednesday, November 12th, 2008

“She clearly demonstrates how to bring journaling to the next level.” Devra Ursem-Phillips, Visions Unlimited Coaching

WRITING UNDER FIRE

For a demonstration of the first tool at work, pick up Bernadette’s Pages and flip to any page.

Writing under fire provided a journaling intensive that saved my life. (Dramatic but true.) Desperation overflowed from a pretty blue journal with a fluffy white kitty on the cover into comp books, steno pads, loose-leaf paper – and anything else remotely close to paper – when the angst hit. Venting anger. Flushing out remorse. Dear God letters. Ray-you-asshole letters. Therapy work. Dream logs. Synchronicity logs. Gratitude logs. Spirit dialogs. Ego dialogs.

Guess you could say journaling helped me map out the expressway and every alternate route available when confronted with an emotional traffic jam.

ltchest203

Two Gifts And Amplified Synchronicity

In the fall of ’93, Ray gave me a copy of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Struggling with a loss (more…)

Tags: , , ,
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Companion Guide | 10 Comments »