On Angels’ Wings

 

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

ON ANGEL’S WINGS

Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 4, 1994 • “The pain is intense. I keep trying to remind myself that this is pain for what may come, not pain for this very second. This very second, Ray is in bed. Moments before, I lay in his arms. Awake. Trying to keep my mind from racing to the time when he will not be here.”

2010: I had no sooner finished writing those words when, to my surprise, I found myself scribing these!

“Let go. Let go. Trust God. That’s all you truly have, Bernadette … if you are to live through this pain, you must use every tool you have ever learned to stay in the moment. … We know you wanted to dump your feelings on paper here, but nothing new would have been written this morning. More important than your knowing the connection, is your accepting the connection with us. We are here.”

We are here? Read more

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Falling

Falling

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t or might. XO

 

FALLING

Journal, March 3, 1994 • “Missed a day in my journal and a hell of a one at that. Now I know what those incredible waves of sadness were about on my flight back from the gift show in New York. Why I felt like crying when the plane landed. The weird irritation that surfaced when Ray picked me up in the terminal. He felt like a stranger. Distant, in a way I couldn’t put my finger on …”

2010: Ever fall? Did you see it coming? Physical falls are always curious. It’s like time slows to witness the tumble as you try to catch yourself. It’s amazing how many thoughts can go through your mind in a manner of seconds. You are both victim and observer as you find yourself suddenly assessing your body’s relationship with gravity, hard surfaces and sharp objects.

“Last night, when he said we needed to talk, all the foreboding came flooding in. I was devastated. Even before he confessed to wanting a separation. To there being another woman. And right now I feel so crazy with it – I just want to die!”

2010: I chose the word “falling” for my first journal entry because Ray’s leaving felt a lot like that to me. I sensed precariousness in our marriage, like walking along the edge of a ravine at dusk but, honestly, I thought we were maintaining our balance. When he confessed to wanting a separation, I slipped over the edge and Read more

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