When grief answers first … wait.

When Grief Answers First When grief answers first, it isn’t pretty. And, sometimes, it's raucous and self-involved. At least that’s my experience with it. Maybe I am more messy than most – though I suspect not. I suspect that what I am giving voice to here will not seem strange – or sacrilegious to the preciousness of life – if you have spent intimate time with grief. Singular grief sucks. Multiple grief sucks. Overlapping grief sucks. I’ve done them all. When that gut-punch, double over, drop-to-your-knees moment hits, it is hard to imagine that there is anything beyond the pain. When I found out I had breast cancer – just months after Ray took his last breath – grief spoke first. “Well, here’s your ticket out of all this pain. Your work here is done. It’s been a good run.” When losing someone or something you love becomes a reality, it throws off the order. Ray’s run with a cancer that ended in death turned my days – and my morning prayer time – upside down. The pain felt in his absence left me with a desire for connection at any cost. Even if it meant I spoke to Ray first – and God second. Something I never did while he was alive. My healing hierarchy fell out of balance while cancer cells feasted on estrogen without supervision – or should I say without “super vision.” When the small lump grew and ate away breast mass, I witnessed what the physical demonstration of grief must look like in a part of my body designed to nurture life as well as receive pleasure. There are those who believe that disease gets its footing in times of dis-ease. As I look at the overlapping distress and disappointment, compressed into a span of five years, I have to say my dis-ease has carried on long enough. Even for this messy muse. Each day, I wrestle with angels until I find a blessing – knowing that it will not be a blessing that offers a re-do. It will be a blessing where grief – singular, multiple or overlapping – learns to live with grace and gratitude, moment by precious moment. When grief speaks first, I am learning to let it say its piece and forgive myself for what feels like an indulgence, for grief is not indulgent. It is simply a part of life. Then I wait for the whisper of grace. And I embrace grief as a part of evolution – not involution.
I wrestle with a greater awareness of love through the face of loss. And I evolve because I love – not because I loved.
Grief and grace invite me to be part of the equation. To notice the places where I am missing from myself as I am missing him or her – or this and that. To love more deeply and receive more freely. How much grief and grace can a heart hold? A lot. An awful lot if we allow ourselves to evolve and expand through the process. I intend to heal through this grief AND the cancer in my breast. And that means I have to give my ALL to the process. I have to be fully honest, fully present and fully human. (Got that human part down pat.) I told you in my “Life. Death. Breast Cancer.” post that it would get messy here. I also said that if I share anything heavy, it would be to build muscle. So, if grief is a challenge for you in this moment, you are not alone. When our hearts expand, they touch. Here’s to building muscle, together. I welcome your journey with grief here. And if you, too, are working hard for a physical healing in your life while wrestling with an overlapping grief, I would love to hear how you are doing with it. Sharing is Caring. And feel free to subscribe.

Life. Death. Breast Cancer.

Life. Death. Breast Cancer. I have no clever first-line hook for this post. And it won’t be neat and tidy with a beginning, middle and end. If you’ve spent any time here at all, you know I am not shy about sharing when life gets messy – though never for drama’s sake. God knows we all have our tribulations and don’t need another magnifier in the world.
A wise woman recently said it perfectly. If I am going to share the heavy stuff with you, it will be to build your muscle – not sink you.
When I posted about the only New Year's resolution you'll ever need back in January, I had no idea the hurricane that was mounting at sea or that there would be no stopping it when it hit shore. I also didn’t know how challenged I would be to catch my breath, let alone post anything in the messy room. I figured, when I could show back up here, I’d post about my beloved’s battle with a cancer found too late (that had metastasized throughout his body) and all the stuff you witness to in that agonizing race to buy time – at least enough time to digest the news. But then he died. Just 50 days after diagnosis. So, I figured I’d make my way back here and blog about death and grief and how precious life is and the things we say “Yes” and “No” to and all the silly stuff that captures our attention while the really important stuff gets lost in the hooplahah. But now I find myself in a most bizarre overlap. The cancer train has not yet left the station. It seems that I have breast cancer. That the lump they told me was benign in January, before the hurricane hit shore, is not benign now. It has grown and gotten greedy and is invasively feeding off healthy breast tissue. Another intimate life-long partner, challenged. Were it not for my journaling, my morning quiet time spent with God and His divine messengers, and the tribe of wise souls circling around me, I would have washed out to sea before the third tidal wave hit me. But I’m not drowning. I’m here. And I’m back. And I’m writing. My walk with life, death and cancer continues. And I have messy stuff I want to say. I awake with grief and grace, daily, in a scavenger hunt for gratitude and understanding. I am not in resistance – but am in persistence – as I prepare for this next round. It would appear that my life is in what marathoners call a “split run race.” (That’s when you run faster in the second half than the first.) By divine design no doubt. A sacred overlap, perhaps, with my beloved who is now assisting from the other side. I am the stuff of stars. Not cancer. And I will find out what this old girl is made of as I work to reconstruct my life in this next most curious chapter. So, get ready to build some muscle with me or unsubscribe – cause the messy room just got messier. Thanks for listening.

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Surrender the Stories: charcoal by bernadette rose smith

Surrender • charcoal on Bernadette's Pages substrate; page 63
by Bernadette Rose Smith


Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale, Ever listen to your thoughts and marvel at how persistently they weave into stories you tell yourself. Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) recreational, Stories that do not serve you well. Especially in times of transition?

How happy would your dreams become if you were not the one who gave the “proper role” to every figure which the dream contained, purchase Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) online no prescription. Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) pictures, – A Course In Miracles

I woke up this morning with a thought.

“Surrender that.“ whispered the angel.

“What?” I asked.
“That 'My God, kjøpe Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) på nett, köpa Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) online, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) reviews, sideswiped again, I’m not enough' story.” chuckled the angel.

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“My dear, you had so many more thoughts attached to that one, doses Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) work. Real brand Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) online, You didn’t notice the storyteller revving up. You were on Chapter 14 before I could get a word in edgewise.” announced another angelic chuckle.

“How can you laugh?” I asked, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) use, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) gel, ointment, cream, pill, spray, continuous-release, extended-release, somewhat irked. “You were around in ’94, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) australia, uk, us, usa. Don’t you think this is a little ridiculous for two people to be this far off base with each other?”
Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale, “What. Comprar en línea Gimalxina (Amoxicillin), comprar Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) baratos, Ridiculous to forgive. To accept the things you cannot change, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) dose. Australia, uk, us, usa, To move on amicably. To still love and support each other as you embrace your new lives?” A wing fluttered by.

“Well, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) pics, Ordering Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) online, yeah, that’s a view, purchase Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) online. But I was more concerned with looking at the part where I am a middle-aged woman who lost herself again – even after she swore she wouldn’t, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale. Taking Gimalxina (Amoxicillin), And how this is not a time to be starting over. I should be reaping the harvest.” I said, online buying Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) hcl, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) photos, feeling somewhat diminished in my position.
“How do you know that, is Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) addictive, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) dosage, dear?” asked the angel.

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“Any of that, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) without prescription. Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale, Or the thousand thoughts you had to support that novel you were writing before the sun rose. Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) overnight, The one that has you frowning so.” continued the chuckling.

“Well, I don’t see your point, where can i find Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) online. After Gimalxina (Amoxicillin), Besides, you are an angel and what do you know about what it is like to be in a body with a body of concerns, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) results. Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) schedule, If you are so smart, tell me which of the thousand thoughts to surrender then, cheap Gimalxina (Amoxicillin). Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) street price, You obviously heard them better than me.“ I harrumphed.
“Lets start with ALL of them.” beamed the angel, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale. “You will be contacted as to which ones will be of service to your new life.”

“Well, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) blogs, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) duration, then what am I supposed to do with today?” I wondered out loud as the cats eyed me for promise of breakfast.
“Tell no stories, buy cheap Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) no rx. Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) for sale, Surrender your thoughts.” whispered the angel.

“How do I know what thoughts are stories?” I whispered back.
“Lets start with ALL of them.” said the angel.

“You said that already.” I retorted.
Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale, “I know. And you retell your stories, dear.” fluttered the wing. “Just for today, see all thoughts as a story and know that you have the power to edit. So pay attention or you will miss the life you are meant to have while you are writing that novel.”


So, tell me I am not alone with this penchant for storytelling. (That would be a story, right?) Any storytellers out there struggling with stories that don’t serve. Share them here if you like, Gimalxina (Amoxicillin) For Sale. Or just share your storytelling experience.


The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it. Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

You CAN get here from there!

©2006 Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad

If you like this then LIKE this and SHARE it. Together we grow!.

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Shades of Picasso


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No, canada, mexico, india, Where can i buy cheapest Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) online, Ray hasn’t moved out. WE still own this house. I say “my house” because the drama between these cats in this house is mine, Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) samples. Buy Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) without a prescription, And their infringement into my writing consciousness is mine. (Ray is happily painting in the studio of his house  – with Reesie, order Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) online overnight delivery no prescription, Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) for sale, our somewhat feral kitty.)

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"Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." – Theodore Roethke
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I am struggling with this blog. I am frustrated and disappointed because I have not been able to experience the depth of voice with it that I imagined I would have when I started to explore this medium of expression just over a year ago, Utram (Tramadol) brand name. Buy Utram (Tramadol) from mexico,

I am not a writer. Never wanted to be one. Utram (Tramadol) For Sale, I journal.

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A natural I am not, Utram (Tramadol) used for. Utram (Tramadol) long term, I do not have the skill of a true writer. I am an artist, Utram (Tramadol) street price. Buy Utram (Tramadol) online cod, As an artist, I have talent. I have training, Utram (Tramadol) For Sale. And yet here I am writing. Not painting.

What am I doing here? I don’t need this blog to market myself. Divine Source and word-of-mouth sustains me. Utram (Tramadol) For Sale, This blog does not fulfill some ego need to be perceived as important or an expert in my field(s). I know what I am and what I am not; insight that comes to me in the pages of my journal and through the wisdom of family and friends.

I’m not looking for ways to crank up my life, to escape into busywork, or to build a publishing empire. I am ready to play. To see where my creative impulse takes me. To be an artist again, Utram (Tramadol) For Sale. And I have an awesome partner to do that with. (I love you, honey.)


I will keep sharing. And I will be sincere because this blog is an offering. A way to communicate what sustains and inspires me. Utram (Tramadol) For Sale, To hear what sustains and inspires you. A porch light on a dark street.

It was probably crazy for me to think that I could simply be me, the unobserved, in this blog. You are here and I cannot let go of my expectation that this needs to be time well spent for both of us.

But I want more. More from this time I spend writing and more from me. I ache for a shift in tone even though it may be imperceptible to anyone but myself, Utram (Tramadol) For Sale. A tone that leads me to the place where I make my meaning. A meaning you cannot give me.

That is why I am writing this. And that is why I am posting this. Utram (Tramadol) For Sale, Writer or not, I am responsible for the satisfaction and meaning I find in my own creative process. Kudos from outside is nice but fleeting at best.

So, there you have it. No resolution. Just me out of my comfort zone.

The porch light stays on.

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