“I have given everything I see in this room all the meaning that is has for me.” – A Course In Miracles: Lesson 2

Journal, April 17, 2012 • A fitting lesson to dowse in the Course, as I look around me. From room to room, I see boxes stacked wherever there is a spare space. Some holding 36 years of marriage. Some holding the last 18 years of reconciliation.

I give them the meaning that they have. The objects inside are clueless to the purpose assigned to them. On a good day, they speak to relief and gratitude for the honesty expressed that made it necessary to pack them up. On a bad day, they speak to surprises and sideswipes. If I am the meaning-maker, which meaning shall I embrace today?

Yesterday, I made my first serious “pass” through the divorce papers while my husband packed up his “pieces” of the kitchen that was our kitchen – soon to be my kitchen. I am somewhat in awe as this process of acceptance and forgiveness unfolds. And I am grateful that I am journaling through this – writing under fire as it were – and know that I am benefiting exponentially.

Exponentially? Really? How do I know?

We are always choosing stories, are we not? Well then …
that’s my story and I am sticking to it!

Any other meaning-makers out there with stories to tell? What are YOU embracing today? This is the place to share!

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

You CAN get here from there!

If you like this then LIKE this and SHARE it. Together we grow!

“I toss and turn all night, awash in a sea of aquamarine and green, streaked with silver phosphorescence, drifting through the velvet night from a necklace of meteors. I raft down a river of paint, but unlike Huck Finn, my oar is a paintbrush that struggles to free me from whirlpools of cerulean blue. Then day breaks, and I trudge through a black-and-white world in sensible shoes …” • Loretta Benedetto Marvel from Mermaid Nets and Other Twice-Told Tales

Loretta and I– along with some Vikings, a mermaid, a couple of muses and a curious kitty – shared coffee after I finished writing in my journal this morning.

As some of you know, 2011 is pushing me to return to a more active participation with my art – to get out of my head and off the pages with it. The past number of months I have been gathering myself and my ephemera and creating a place for it to happen.

I am going to attempt something a bit on the raw side with this post. (Hope I don’t lose you.) I don’t often share my morning writings “as is” in this blog but I feel a collaboration coming on with this Loretta who I have never met but whose story sliced into my artist’s heart with the precision of a surgeon. (I found Loretta in the back pages of a mixed-media magazine for artistic discovery. Cloth Paper Scissors, page 92 of the March/April issue to be exact.)

So, here’s the collaboration:
Pieces of my morning pages and Loretta’s story woven together to paint the experience of a Sunday musing. “J” is my journal. “LS” is Loretta’s story. (I hope Loretta and Cloth Paper Scissors will forgive my presumption to post my morning experience with them in this way before asking permission. And that they will be appeased with links and credits.)

Ready? Set? Go!

J: Pulled some runes regarding my journey back into the art studio. Looking at why I am not jumping in. I find myself reflecting back to 1994, just before Ray left me, and my original artist block struggles of that time. It would seem I am now picking up where I left off … Though the medium I am drawn to is vastly improved in its potential for playful expression, I drag my feet. What am I waiting for? More preparation? More ephemera? More inspiration? More time? More energy?

For my chores to be done?

LS: I am used to walking with my head down, checking for cracks in the uneven pavement of daily life.

J: There will always be chores. Chores, the word, is like miscellaneous, the word. As words and categories, they are vast. All consuming.

A vast sea of chores stands between artistic play and me …

LS: I never would have noticed the cottage that day … a tall elderly woman with silver hair appeared in the front door … She stood next to a round mahogany table that held a musty, ancient ledger …

J: A Rune pull? Oh yeah. That’s where I started. First Rune. Where I am now. Warrior. Reversed. Drat. Where I am calls for examining my motives. Trust and confidence are at issue. Am I working through an old belief system about the practicality of being an artist in a world with chores?

LS: “Have you seen her?” She whispered. Before I could answer, she turned to me and shook her head. “No, no; I can see it in your eyes – they are as flat as the sea in August. I know you hear her call.”

J: Second Rune. Action required. Growth. Upright. Disperse resistance. Correct motives. Set the foundation firmly … then blossom.

LS: “You walk with your head down, your pockets filled with shells, and your shoes with sand … and you still haven’t picked up a paintbrush except in your sleep.”

“Who are you?” I demanded, tears stinging my eyes …

J: Third Rune. Outcome based on action. Initiation. Reversed. The old way has come to an end. Call in scattered energies. Inner being is shifting and re-forming on a deep level. Patience. Constancy. Perseverance. Key words. Oh, and lots of humor.

LS: “… I help others to find a mermaid’s net. I’ve left you so many signs over the years! Why don’t you lift your head up? Do you know how much phosphorescence we’ve sent your way?” she asked, grabbing my arm with an iron grip.

… A tide of tears fell from my eyes.

J: But what of today? Today, I will not judge myself or the “chores” set out before me … I will be kind to myself. I will not extend the chore list and try to spend a little time in my art corner. Even if just to read an art magazine.

LS: … she murmured, “I’m sorry. It’s not the life for everyone. Some are too scared they’ll be dragged under. Go if you must, but you will leave the best part of you here.”

So there you have it. Raw and unfinished on the way to where I left one of the “best” parts of me. What about you? Jump on in and share. The water’s fine!

Loretta Benedetto Marvel is a mixed-media artist and writer. Treat yourself and read Loretta’s story in its entirety on page 92 of the magazine, Cloth Paper Scissors, March/April issue. And to see what else Loretta is up to at her website,  click here!

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“Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries.” – Theodore Roethke

I might be breaking some blogger’s code by pulling this post out of the archives but it tied so beautifully to the quote that I just found by Mr. Roethke and last week’s theme  (Writing Under Fire on our Facebook page) that I couldn’t resist furthering my point about how writing helps us map our way through whatever we need a map for.

The time this post was written is irrelevant. But the growth since that post is not. Growth TIED TO VULNERABILITY that appeared because I kept writing – in this case, out of my comfort zone.

Two years later, this post acts as evidence – a point illustrated.  For you, it may represent something entirely different – unique to your own map and journey. I would love to hear what that is for you. Pull up a chair and join me at the table?

Here’s the Original. Posted July 20, 2008

I am struggling with this blog. I am frustrated and disappointed because I have not been able to experience the depth of voice with it that I imagined I would have when I started to explore this medium of expression just over a year ago.

I am not a writer. Never wanted to be one. I journal.

I write freely in the pages of my journals. I have no cares. No worries about grammar or structure. My goal is simply to express whatever thoughts and feelings come to surface. To capture them on the page where I can see them. Contemplate them. Process them. And witness my growth when I read them.

It doesn’t matter if my thoughts are choppy or incomplete. If I trail from one topic to another. If family and friends don’t understand them after I am gone.

Journaling centers and grounds me. Fuels and focuses me. It is authentic to the moment. Within its process, my only responsibility is to myself.

But when I approach writing in this blog I am immediately confronted with a sense of responsibility to you. You, the observer, who somehow alters me, the observed, before my fingers ever touch the keyboard.

Where is the free-flowing intimacy I looked forward to when – based on the content of my book – my web designer suggested that blogging was a natural for me?

What irony. I journal my way into self-publishing and because of that I have a relationship with a blog that baffles me. I lose intimacy between the pages of my journal and this computer screen every time.

A natural I am not. I do not have the skill of a true writer. I am an artist. As an artist, I have talent. I have training. And yet here I am writing. Not painting.

What am I doing here? I don’t need this blog to market myself. Divine Source and word-of-mouth sustains me.

This blog does not fulfill some ego need to be perceived as important or an expert in my field(s). I know what I am and what I am not; insight that comes to me in the pages of my journal and through the wisdom of family and friends.

I’m not looking for ways to crank up my life, to escape into busywork, or to build a publishing empire. I am ready to play. To see where my creative impulse takes me. To be an artist again. And I have an awesome partner to do that with. (I love you, honey.)

SO, WHAT NOW?

I will keep sharing. And I will be sincere because this blog is an offering. A way to communicate what sustains and inspires me. To hear what sustains and inspires you. A porch light on a dark street.

It was probably crazy for me to think that I could simply be me, the unobserved, in this blog. You are here and I cannot let go of my expectation that this needs to be time well spent for both of us.

But I want more. More from this time I spend writing and more from me. I ache for a shift in tone even though it may be imperceptible to anyone but myself. A tone that leads me to the place where I make my meaning. A meaning you cannot give me.

That is why I am writing this. And that is why I am posting this. Writer or not, I am responsible for the satisfaction and meaning I find in my own creative process. Kudos from outside is nice but fleeting at best.

So, there you have it. No resolution. Just me out of my comfort zone.

The porch light stays on.

So, that is the end of the original post. Please stay and make your way to the bottom of the original comments and let me know that you were here. As I said before, I would love to hear where you are on your map and how you got there. And if you write, journal or scribble!

Like this post? Then LIKE it … or SHARE it. Together we grow!

• Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

WRITING UNDER FIRE

Journal, March 9, 1994, 5:21 a.m. • “The anger has awakened me … Rather than stew, I’ll dump my anger on the page and hopefully get back into a place of peaceful resolve … All these things I want to say to Ray – to change him? I allowed him to pull me off my path! How could I have thought it would be satisfying, or safe, to support his dreams while mine disappeared?”

2010: Ever do that? Set a dream aside – for whatever reason?

“Day after day, putting in my time for that someday when … we would be free to play and express who we truly are – together – as a couple. … He faults me that I could not lighten up … He needed me to be the heavy, and then had the audacity to believe that I was capable of being no more than a caretaker. He is running as fast as he can into the arms of a woman who would be for him all that I am not? Damn. I want to play, be spontaneous, adventurous – but who has the time or energy?”

2010: Ever feel that way? I know a lot of women who struggle to see themselves as someone other than caretaker – daughter, mother, wife.

“Curious that he was so insistent on getting me “The Artist’s Way” when we passed the display at the bookstore. How many months ago? Rather ironic, when you think about it. How I couldn’t get past the chapter on ”Recovering a sense of possibility.” Now we both have our artist’s way writings to look back on – and see how miserable we were!”

2010: Get your coffee or tea and get comfortable ‘cause the girl has cranked it up! I was all over the page that day. It’s hard not to get ahead of myself (and you) here because I know where this is going and how each of today’s excerpts identify work I needed to do at that time. If you’ve been following this you’re seeing that the other woman played only a very tiny part in what brought about the separation.

I’m STILL amazed and grateful for the paper trail. Were it today, I might have opted to distract myself on Facebook and not do my writing. (Lucky me. Lucky Ray.)

6:30 a.m. “Ray says he wants to open his heart. To learn of love. But the conditions that he placed – that we placed – on love destroyed us and almost destroyed me. I say almost because, here at Lea’s, I feel my spirit strengthening.”

“Dear God … When I write about this man, it’s as if he were a monster. I know he’s not. This man is as much a stranger to himself as he is to me … Keep him safe in Your arms, as I am. Thank You.”

2010: Expectations. Conditions. The load that we dumped on each other with that “I do” !!!

11:00 a.m. “I’ve been so blind. Now I have to treat Ray like a drug that I need to abstain from … I don’t have the strength to be with him or even hear his voice on the phone. I was in such a good place yesterday … Damn that phone call! That was my drug and now I am sliding down into the black hole again. I can’t focus. I’m not clear. I don’t know how much longer I can live like this, bouncing between Lea’s home and mine. I can’t play Ray’s “roommate.” I am still his wife!”

“I can see why it’s so hard to stay home. So little of me is reflected back. Ironic that he’s accused me of being controlling. Most of our home reflects him! His stuff. His furniture … the part that is me is how I tried to arrange what was his so I could fit in, all the while feeling guilty for pushing myself on him.”

2010: Codependency rears its sneaky head! I have to say that my version of neediness presented as a “take care of business, independent façade” – even to myself. So those two blurts flew onto the page under the radar.

1:00 p.m. “I want to be angry … with Ray for coming into my life … with God for saving me from other relationships, only to be rejected in this one. But I can’t. The questions keep popping in. Where would I be if we had never met? Who would I be? All the moves. New York. Detroit. Atlanta. Only geographic cures? Maybe not. Each move, each place, gifted me with experiences and discoveries that revealed facets of myself that might have remained hidden. He encouraged me to take creative risks. To explore outside my safety zone. He expanded my world. He expanded me. Hell, he is doing it even now! When I look at that, I am more grateful than angry.”

2010: I call this one evidence of Grace. To have those thoughts six days after “the news” is definitely the work of Angels! Reframing is one of my favorite tools to use today.

2:00 p.m. “This morning I sat cross-legged on the rug in Lea’s bathroom, in front of her full length mirror. All my make-up spilled out on the floor, like a toy box dumped over. Feeling like a little girl at play. A pixie with a new short haircut, looking back at me in the mirror, painting over her “look what you’ve done to me” face. On my way home, tonight, I will treat myself to a potted hyacinth … in the morning I will pick daffodils from our backyard, for a bouquet that will remind me of sunshine yellow days to come.”

“God, help me to be in the moment and grasp that which has beauty and gives pleasure. Help me to be grateful for the goodness still present in my life.”

2010: Ever have a scene in a movie that you just love? One that, no matter how many times you see it, it moves you? Forgive me my indulgence … but that passage is one of those for me. I remember the moment, the choices, how innocent, stripped and raw she was looking at her reflection in the mirror. I’m getting tears right now because I want to jump though that mirror, sweep her into my arms and tell her how much I love her … and how much God loves her … and to NOT be afraid because SHE HAS THE HEART for what’s ahead of her.

3:45 p.m. “There is an odd calmness coming over me. I feel as if something, or someone, is literally prying me open and rearranging my mind. Something is being dramatically altered. What I am seeing now, I can’t describe. I’m struck by the complexity of events and information. So much is being pointed out to me. Ordinary things with an extraordinary purpose, overlapping and restructuring. Am I imagining this?”

2010: I wonder; had I NOT done all that writing that day, would I have been open to or even noticed that moment?

• Post Number Six: March 9th was obviously a busy writing day. Nine entries. All of them foundational. If I were to sum up today’s post it would be about the long-term advantages of writing under fire. If you would like to know more about the process I used you can go to my Companion Guide and bookmark the page for later. (It’s time for you to get up and refresh your coffee!)
• A Funny Thought: If I could go back in time, right now? Well, you already know where I would go and what I would do.
• About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.

• If you landed in the middle of this project: Click here to start at the beginning!

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it! Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

You CAN get here from there!

A very special thank you to Celeste Henley Walker for letting me share her beautiful photos with you!

Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad

If you like this then LIKE this and SHARE it. Together we grow!

Got You Covered!

GRATITUDE WHILE DODGING BULLETS

It’s easy to feel grateful when life is good. And it’s not too much of a strain to reach for it when life is so-so. But finding and maintaining an attitude of gratitude while dodging bullets? That’s a dedicated decision.

Before You Pass This Tool Up

I know there’s already tons of material out there touting the benefits of gratitude and appreciation. As key to the law of attraction, gratitude is enjoying quite a comeback. (Apparently our fast-paced society rendered its power a ‘secret’ to some.)

The path of gratitude – as a way for a ‘want’ to become a ‘get’ – is certainly a more positive approach to acquisition than some this world has witnessed. But limiting gratitude to conditional comfort zones is like restricting a Ferrari motor to a Yugo frame. (Don’t remember the Yugo? Precisely my point.)

Don’t Get Me Wrong

You can never have too much gratitude – of any kind. It is the one thing I encourage clutter clients to collect freely. Gratitude doesn’t jam up closets and knows how to share garage space with your car. You can’t grow out of it. It is never out of style. And I don’t know anyone who has died from an overdose of it. (A heart overflowing with gratitude and appreciation actually feels pretty good.)

But what of gratitude when you find yourself caught in the crossfire? When the emotional bullets start to ricochet and you seem to be the target?

Time To Ditch The Yugo Framework!

When gratitude is allowed to rev up to its full potential and determine its own framework, it becomes a powerful force for healing THROUGH ANY SITUATION. And its effect is exponential.

A Confession

I am going to share with you the only homework that Sandra gave me that I did not follow through on exactly as instructed. I do, however, have an excellent yes-but excuse to go with my not doing it her way. In my defense, I am pretty sure at the onset of our therapy sessions – when she gave me this homework – she did not expect me to do so much extra curricular journaling. Frankly, neither did I.

Sandra’s intention with the gratitude journal was that I create a place (and mindset) where I diligently expressed gratitude so I could experience its power to heal the circumstances I found myself in. I did start the journal as she suggested but got lazy in reaching for it when gratitude flowed just as easily onto the pages of my daily writing. In not isolating my gratitude I discovered its power as a reframing device when challenged with unanticipated hurdles. (Today, I would do it her way and mine!)

3 WAYS TO DODGE BULLETS WITH GRATITUDE

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

Dodge #1 Starts with Sandra’s Homework.

• Get a separate notebook. Dedicate this notebook to gratitude and forgiveness. (This is not a general, “I’m grateful for whatever-comes-to-mind” journal. This one challenges you to hone an attitude of gratitude in a specifically hurtful or frustrating circumstance. A practice that takes you beyond the pain and out of the Yugo framework.)

• Write, “Gratitude and Forgiveness Journal for __________” on the cover. (Get specific! Mine was for my challenged relationship with Ray and our failed marriage.)

• Flip to the first page. Write, “This booklet contains my gratitude and forgiveness list, manifesting in a better relationship with ______ or better. I intend to hold onto gratitude for these things with ______.” (What you are grateful for becomes the foundation for a new and better relationship with yourself, your job, your significant other, your health, your money …)

• This notebook is where you practice reaching for gratitude.(This notebook is also your quick reference guide when you feel yourself slipping.)

_____________________________________

Dodge # 2 Starts with Writing Under Fire.

• Invite gratitude into your morning pages writing. Think of your specific situation and list everything that you can find to be grateful for. If you feel stuck or resistant, write with your other hand. (See Tool #1.) Or exaggerate with humor. (No censoring!)

“Gee, I’m glad he took that noisy washing machine when he left. Now I get to meet new people at the Laundromat.”

_____________________________________

Dodge #3 Starts with an Argument?

Practice gratitude while in an argument. Yes, I know it’s a stretch. This dodge does not provide that feel-good kind of gratitude but it does pump the brakes in an escalating argument. (A sense of humor definitely helps here, even if your internal dialog starts with a dry wit.)

“What dedication I have to always being right! I’m grateful for my qualities of determination and dependability …”
“What an exciting relationship we have. I love how expressive and dramatic he is …”
“Here we go with the litany of wrongdoings. What an amazing memory she has …”

One of the things that amazed me in the days of Bernadette’s Pages was how beautifully gratitude resided with – and healed – pain. (Sometimes I got freebie-doses of it but most times I had to consciously choose it.)

So, now it’s your turn to try!

Yes, Mom, we're grateful you coaxed us out of the storm drain with tuna. Can we go back to sleep now?

Gratitude while dodging the bullets will help you to

• Reframe, refocus and redirect
• Stop ‘scripting’ yourself as a victim
• Heal and balance years of misdirected energy
• Feel loved and cared for so you can get on with living your life!

_____________________________________
A Few “Under Fire” Samples
• Pg. 89 – “ How odd to be in such pain …”
• Pg. 97 – 98 – “Felt loved and cared for …”
• Pg. 110 – “He did this so I could have more …”
_____________________________________
A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2009

So, this is the place for those of you who have questions about Tool #4 to get answers – and those of you with experience, strength, and hope to jump in and share. (By the way, the word gratitude shows up 27 times in this post. Told you we can never have too much!)

Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see the 2-minute video book trailer!

UPDATE: May 10, 2012: Awaiting the Divorce papers. My soon to be EX husband’s moving boxes stacking around me. I find myself using this tool a lot these days … and grateful at how “well-practiced” I am at gratitude. As a middle-aged woman revving up her motor to see what is around the bend, oddly enough the bullets are not coming from me or my soon to be ex … but OTHERS ideas about what is and is not possible in the repurposing of a 36 year marriage … as well as “shoulds” and “should nots” … most interesting.

Did you like this? Then “LIKE” this and SHARE it with your friends!

However, if you find yourself carting around more than your share of unease, disappointment, frustration, or resentment because of a relationship or life situation – or if you find yourself on anger overload, raging at the moon, stick around.

Tired of Lugging Around Anger?
Tool number three is where the rubber hit the road for me. Where my spinout found traction. (Just short of the cliff!) In this section, I highlight two shortcuts that will help you:

• Pinpoint the reason for your anger. (Sorry, it’s not always that S.O.B.)
• Purge the anger. (Once and for all.)
• Forgive. (And move on to your happy-ever-after.)

_____________________________________

• ShortCut #1:  PURGING & FORGIVENESS JOURNAL
We all experience anger differently. For me, it was not an overt challenge. Oldest of five in a dysfunctional family, I learned to ‘live with’ and ‘adjust’ my anger. Most of the time, my anger took on the character of a pesky mole tearing up the lawn. (Tunnels evidence something going on but you don’t know where the little bugaboo is or when he is likely to pop up.)

So when Ray expressed his desire to separate I expected to be angry – but was surprised to find out just how angry. If I thought I was uncomfortable having anger, I found I was even more uncomfortable expressing it. This homework from Sandra (page 29 in Bernadette’s Pages) gave me a way to isolate, vent and purge anger without increasing anxiety about living through the repercussions of it. In other words, keeping a purging and forgiveness journal saved me from needing to manifest situations where I could vent my anger or act it out in ways that were characteristically unhealthy for me. (Anorexia. Isolation. Co-dependency.)

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

• Get a separate notebook. Do not use your regular journal. We are isolating your anger. (Sorry, no computer keyboards. It takes the organic feel of pen and paper to officiate the purge.)
• Write, “Forgiveness Journal to Purge My Anger Toward _____,” on the cover.
• Flip to the first page. Write a letter to God. Ask Him to bless the journal, place the words written under His protection, and transform them into forgiveness and peace. And close with thank you.
• When you are angry, this is where you dump it. Start with, “I am angry that …” (ala morning pages, don’t censor.)
• When there is nothing left to vent, write, “I need to learn to forgive that.” Then write these two questions. “ What am I afraid of? Why am I holding onto this?”
• Write whatever answers comes to mind. (Don’t censor.)
• Finish with “God (Holy Spirit), please heal these fears. I need to learn to forgive this.”

_____________________________________

Here’s a warm-up sample of how this works from page 34:
“I’m angry that … he would do for her what he would not do for me. I feel used … He talks about ‘making it right,’ paying his debts and clearing the tab. How dare he cheapen our relationship to no more than a slate he can wipe clean and then walk away!”
“I’m afraid that … I really screwed up and am being punished by his withdrawal. That this woman can give him something I can’t. That what she offers has more value in his eyes than what I have already given.”
“I’m holding onto this because … I want another chance … I want to correct my errors … I want to know I can do this right!”

Here’s a sample from page 76 where I am well past the warm-up:
“ Ray, you asshole! I can’t believe I let you off the hook so easily while our sex life vanished!”
“I’m afraid that … my denial caused this break between us. If I had been more aware, or less fearful, I would have addressed my needs … I feel like I made the ground fertile for him to find his passion with her.”
“I’m holding onto this because … I want another chance.”
“Holy Spirit, heal these fears. I need to learn to forgive this.”

The brilliance of this exercise is that it let me have my anger, showed me the fear that fueled it, the guilt that sustained it, and where to direct the forgiveness that released it. Sandra never told me to forgive Ray. Had she, I could not have done it. But seeing that I needed to forgive myself – and doing so – allowed me to forgive Ray without forgiving him. In other words, by the time I was finished forgiving me and turned to forgive him, the work was already done!

Theo says this is intense stuff and suggests you try this 'paws and refresh' position.

_____________________________________

• ShortCut #2:  MY ATTACK. MY FEAR. MY GUILT.
In April, Spirit wrote, “Your anger comes from fear. Work with the fears. You are not so sad now, as you are afraid. Afraid you have no value …” In this instance, I was directed to isolate my ‘need’ to be given a second chance with Ray – head on – and address my fear that he was never coming back because, at that point, he wasn’t. The prospect of living the rest of my life without him – engulfed with anger, remorse, panic, anxiety, and fear – was a great motivator to do my homework.

The twist to this exercise is that it asks you to see your anger as an attack – not a defense. (A tough pill to swallow when you see yourself as the victim of another person or circumstance.)

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

You do not have to record this in your purging journal because its tone is more exploratory than venting. However, as always, follow your own instinct.

Start with the question: Why am I afraid that …
Then filter your answer through each of these lenses.
• My Attack
• My Fear
• My Guilt

And finish with the question: Can I Forgive This?
_____________________________________

Here’s a sample from page 91:
Why am I afraid that Ray will never come back?
• My Attack. “How dare he want to spend time with Shelly and not with me …”
• My Fear. “He prefers her … He loves her …”
• My Guilt. “I’m no fun. I lost my capacity for play. I’m boring.”
Can I Forgive This? “I want to. Just because I got too serious does not mean I am not worthy of love.”

When I finished this exercise, I saw how I sabotaged forgiveness (for both of us) by insisting that redemption came only with a second chance. Holding onto my belief that forgiveness was dependent on Ray changing his view of me perpetuated an anxiety producing fear-attack-guilt cycle.

When Ray and I started seeing each other again, Spirit directed me to look at a more subtle version of this cycle with this comment; “It has been necessary for you to see how much you still attack (Ray) with your fear for his well being …”

What an uncomfortable eye-opener it was to see how fear for Ray spoke to a lack of trust in him. (Not to mention, God.) My concerns and worry for Ray ultimately demeaned him and me because when I couldn’t trust – when I felt insecure about anything – it didn’t matter whether I was protecting, defending, or attacking. I was choosing fear over love. Results, at best, were politely strained. At worst, well, you read the book. (Worry does not bring out my best behavior! Need I say more?)

Free To Follow The Yellow Brick Road
These shortcuts move you beyond the precariousness of pardoning as an answer to anger. To quote my blog post, Forgive That #!@&!#!? Why? “Pardoning, at best, offers a peace that teeters atop past offenses, stashed yet never forgotten. Throw a few more offenses on top of the pile and this version of forgiveness crumbles rapidly…”  (Click to read the whole article.)

Combine these two shortcuts with Tool #2: Reframing (For those of you who are skipping around) and you are well on your way to the Emerald City, Kansas, or wherever you’d like your ruby slippers to take you. (Without feeling like you sacrificed or betrayed yourself along the way!)

Don’t believe me? That’s okay. Pick a gripe or angst of your own, apply these tools, and experience the freedom for yourself.

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A Few “Under Fire” Samples
Shortcut #1: Pgs. 33, 34, 35, 42, 43, 48, 76
Pg. 36: Greatest fear = negative core belief behind anxiety and panic.
Shortcut #2: April: Pgs. 90 – 93. July: Pgs. 184 – 185, 187 – 188
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A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2008

Click for Tool#4: Gratitude While Dodging Bullets

Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see the 2-minute video book trailer!

So, this is the place for those of you who have questions about Tool #3 to get answers – and those of you with experience, strength, and hope to jump in and share.

Did you like this? Then “LIKE” this and SHARE it with your friends!

“… listening to divine guidance through the emotional chaos.”  Suzanne DeMarchi, Cheshire, CT

REFRAMING
In this section, I define reframing, give you a few “under fire” examples, and finish with some reframing exercises to try for yourself.

What Is Reframing?
Reframing is changing the context (the frame) within which you view a challenging person or situation. Seeing your concern in a new way (reframing) allows you to make choices and take actions that can open the door to possibilities that were not previously “available” to you because of a limited vantage point.

Let’s Look At A Few Reframing Examples From B’s Pages
I was struggling with fears about our relationship when these words poured onto my morning pages. Seven months before Ray left, before HE even knew he was going to leave, Spirit wrote, “Do not give up on him. He needs you to be light … The way may not be easy … but you knew that from the beginning of this arrangement … He may need to find another woman … to see you anew … You must not walk away in frustration. He will not renege … Know this and remain true.”

Arrangement. Another woman. Remain true.

Spirit shot those words through with surgical precision. Past my censor. Past my “emotional chaos.” Their purpose? Gently start the process of reframing an event that had not yet taken place. The part about “another woman” saving our marriage was just too upside-down for me to grasp. (That’s what broke up marriages and I did not believe the man I loved was capable of such a betrayal.) Dismissing the words with a good dose of denial, I focused only on their intention to comfort and moved on with life.

Pass The Pepto-Bismol
The day after Ray expressed his desire to end our marriage, Spirit broke through with, “You are not meant to leave Ray … she is a catalyst … someone you love dearly who would offer this gift, this challenge for you and Ray to know your true Selves.”

Now, that reframe pushed past my passive resistance and made me sick to my stomach.

Spirit’s words booted me to a vantage point that was completely foreign – and yet reassuringly familiar. (Once I got over the nausea.) They gave me a key, a way to experience our impending separation from another level. This wasn’t about a broken marriage. This betrayal pointed to something beyond the mundane. A sacred agreement. Maddening, at times, and leading me to wonder if I was delusional, this reframe unleashed a power that altered my behavior and the course of our relationship in a miraculous way.

Be Careful What You Ask For
“I recall (praying) that I didn’t care what it took to change … Let’s do it and be done … I wonder if that (day I prayed) was the same day Ray felt compelled to find her.”

Now, that was a hell of a reframe. I prayed for change and got this? They say God’s ways are not our own, so maybe I should wait and let this play out before I throw any more prayers on top of it. Maybe I should not be so quick to judge what is happening as a bad thing.

How Could Something This Good For Me Feel So Bad?
“Where would I be if we had never met? Who would I be? Ray encouraged me to take creative risks. To explore outside my safety zone. He expanded my world. Hell, he is doing it even now!”

Hmmm. This tool is starting to kick in. I actually volunteered that reframe onto the page all by myself. If I see this separation as an opportunity for growth, who or what will I find?

Time To Take A Head Count
“You continue to beat yourself up with looking to Ray. He does not know. His Higher Self does, as yours, but that is not to whom you direct the questions, and so you get ego-to-ego exchange.”

So, according to this invitation to reframe, there is a Higher Self and an ego self. (Big Ray and little Ray. Big B and little B.) That represents four potential agendas here. Five, if I count that Ray is a Gemini. (Ha!) Seven, if I count Big Shelly and little Shelly. (Holy crap! It’s getting crowded in here.)

I can choose to communicate through my Higher Self or his Higher Self – my ego self or his ego self. Communication is tricky in a difficult situation. Especially if I don’t stop to ask: Whose view am I seeing? Whose voice am I listening to? Whose agenda am I supporting?

Haste Makes Waste
“She must complete her part of the task to complete the lesson for him. He can be no good for you if there is any doubt. Do not question how this is to be played out.”

She is completing her assignment not stealing my husband. This is a classroom and we all have something to learn here. The classroom reframe is a powerful one that quickly shifts choices and behavior patterns.

Gratitude Pops Up In Funny Places
“I saw his strength in taking the hit for playing the bad guy in this separation. He did this so I could have more. So we could have more. I saw the teacher in him.”

Gratitude is one of the more pleasant reframing devices. I am not in this alone. Ray and I signed up for this together. If I can’t trust me, if I can’t trust him, surely I can trust “us” enough to accept the existence of a Divine Agenda – and an invitation to peace and wholeness on the other side of a seemingly solid wall of pain, guilt, and fear.

"Go ahead. Relax!"

Theo wants to offer one of his more successful reframing techniques. He realizes this angle, though endearing to Mom, is not his most flattering but says he is willing to forego vanity for the greater good.

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Now It Is Your Turn

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

Think of a situation that troubles you – any situation that you struggle with – and see it through each of these reframing lenses. (This will be more powerful if you engage pen and paper in this exercise.) Ask yourself (or your Self!) …

What would (fill in the blank) look like if I could see …
• This as a sacred agreement.
• This as a classroom.
• No one is guilty. We are all playing our parts.
• (He/she) as a teacher.
• (His/her) Higher Self.
• This as an answer to a prayer.
• I am not alone.
• Love as present.

Pretend, If You Have To
Now, look at your answers and ask yourself these questions.

• Where could this new view lead me?
• What would this shift feel like?

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Reframing is not the end-all tool but it is a starting point when your first step seems insurmountable.
You can run any situation through this tool and experience a shift. And the remaining eight tools will work that much more effectively with a willingness to reframe at your foundation. (Ray and I completed our “forgiveness project” in just nine months. Quite a feat when you realize we had eighteen years of baggage between us – anchored by two very dysfunctional childhoods.)

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A Few “Under Fire” Reframing Samples

• Pg. xvii – Sacred Agreement: “Do not give up on him.”
• Pg. 7 – Sacred Agreement: “… she is someone you love.”
• Pg. 9 – Answered Prayer: “Guess I should be careful.”
• Pg. 17 – Gratitude: “He expanded my world … even now!”
• Pg. 46 – Higher Self: “Not to whom you direct questions.”
• Pg. 59 – Assignment: “She must complete her part.”
• Pg. 70 – Sacred Agreement: “Shelly & Ray in an embrace.”
• Pg. 79 – Sacred Agreement: “She does this at your request.”
• Pg. 83 – Sacred Agreement: “Ray had to make that call.”
• Pg. 110 – Gratitude: “Taking the hit for playing the bad guy.”
• Pg. 161 – Sacred Agreement: “Look for clues.”
• Pg. 178 – Time Travel: “A wrinkle in time in which I  …”
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A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2008

Click to go forward to Tool #3: Purging Anger. Finding Forgiveness.

Click to go back to Tool #1: Writing Under Fire

Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see the 2-minute video book trailer!

So, here is where you get to share your experiences with reframing – or questions regarding Tool #2 and B’s Pages that you would like clarified.

Did you like this? Then “LIKE” this and SHARE it with your friends!

“She clearly demonstrates how to bring journaling to the next level.” Devra Ursem-Phillips, Visions Unlimited Coaching

WRITING UNDER FIRE

For a demonstration of the first tool at work, pick up Bernadette’s Pages and flip to any page.

Writing under fire provided a journaling intensive that saved my life. (Dramatic but true.) Desperation overflowed from a pretty blue journal with a fluffy white kitty on the cover into comp books, steno pads, loose-leaf paper – and anything else remotely close to paper – when the angst hit. Venting anger. Flushing out remorse. Dear God letters. Ray-you-asshole letters. Therapy work. Dream logs. Synchronicity logs. Gratitude logs. Spirit dialogs. Ego dialogs.

Guess you could say journaling helped me map out the expressway and every alternate route available when confronted with an emotional traffic jam.

Two Gifts And Amplified Synchronicity

In the fall of ’93, Ray gave me a copy of The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Struggling with a loss of career direction that frustrated me, an artist’s block that baffled me, and a mild depression I couldn’t shake, I committed to reading the book and writing the morning pages that Julia prescribed.

Christmas of ’93, a friend gave me a journal in which she wrote, “This book belongs to Bernadette and ALL her Angels.” My first entry was January 17, 1994. “I’ve made the decision to use this journal for my morning pages exercise … I pray for a profound occurrence or awakening. These pages may not tell the story but the resulting new life should …”

That Entry Still Blows My Mind

The ‘profound occurrence’ hit the fan when I wrote these words in the final pages of that journal, “Now I know what those incredible waves of sadness were about … when Ray said we needed to talk, all the foreboding came flooding in. I was devastated. Even before he confessed to wanting a separation. To there being another woman.”

My morning pages ritual navigated me beyond that journal’s final entry and into the choppy waters ahead. Some might call it irony. I call it synchronicity – amplified by a Divine Purpose. Ray gifted me with a book that introduced me to the process of writing my way through pain. When he left, Ray gifted me with an opportunity to practice that process in a way that I never could have imagined!

So, What Are Morning Pages?

I’m going to cheat just a little. In Julia Cameron’s words, “… the morning pages are three pages of longhand writing, strictly stream-of-consciousness: ‘Oh, god, another morning. I have NOTHING to say. I need to wash the curtains. Did I get my laundry yesterday? Blah, blah, blah …’ They might also, more ingloriously, be called brain drain, since that is one of their main functions.”

She also says, “There is no wrong way to do morning pages … (they) are not meant to be art. Or even writing … not supposed to sound smart … nobody is allowed to read (them) except you … Just write three pages … and don’t leaf back.” (Three pages! Who has time for that?)

Why Write Morning Pages?

Julia jokes, “To get to the other side” but is quick to point to their power when she says they get us to “the other side of our fear, of our negativity…” She identifies a voice she calls the Censor – what I frequently refer to as Ego in Bernadette’s Pages – and goes on to claim that, “Beyond the reach of the Censor’s babble we find our own quiet center, where we hear the still small voice that is at once our creator’s and our own.”

Writing three pages of chaotic, mundane babble miraculously cleared the static that interfered with my ability to quiet my mind and consciously connect. Like a child allowed to run off a sugar high after a birthday party, my ego often settled down by the time I got to page number three – after which I found I could be still and receptive to the insights that would change my life.

Scribing Spirit

Had I not established the habit of writing, I would have missed the crossroad – the change of direction – that led to what I know and love today. And I would not have established a comfort zone with the primary medium through which Divine Guidance channeled the lifeline that bumped my journaling to the next level.

Scribing – referred to as “Spirit Dialog” in B’s Pages – was not entirely new to me when I started my morning pages process. I’d had a few ‘scribing outbreaks’ in previous years, outbreaks that I attributed to twelve-step recovery work. (Specifically Step Four’s written inventories and Step Eleven’s prayer and meditation.)

Often, in my practice of Step Eleven (that states, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him …”) I would feel a Divine Presence and an urge to write. Sometimes words flowed onto the page that were not my own. No burning bushes. (Or winning lottery numbers.) But always appropriate to where I was and what I was concerned with.

Writing With Your Other Hand

The same friend who gifted me with that journal also introduced me to the power of using your non-dominant hand to tap into the wisdom of the right brain. She guided me through a series of dialogs during which the right hand (my dominant) wrote out the question and the left hand (my non-dominant) answered. The left hand blurts were surprisingly direct and wise. The process captured my attention but did not go beyond a few sessions. This powerful tool reemerged as a lifeline after Ray’s ‘announcement.’

You don’t have to understand how the right brain works to experience its effect. Creative or not, we all intuitively dip into it on an unconscious level. But, if you want to harness its power more consciously, I suggest you read Lucia Capacchione’s, The Power of Your Other Hand as well as the classic, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain by Betty Edwards. These books direct you to a whole new way of seeing and experiencing the world.

A Shortcut

My writing, today, evolves to fit life circumstances and time constraints but remains a foundational cornerstone; a primary tool I use to quickly process and move through life’s stuff. Issues that show up on paper often do not have to remain as long, drawn out classroom experiences. Ray and I even share our writings. At crucial times, they act as springboards for some pretty amazing communication and we grow together in ways that I am grateful for. (I do not advise that you share your writing casually, however. Ray and I have learned how to hear past the guilt and fear that sometimes gets tossed onto the pages. We are also very good at knowing when to call in a referee!)

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Try It. You Might Like It.

A Companion Guide Suggestion ...

Why wait for pain to motivate you when guidance is ‘at hand?’ Try these two very complimentary journaling tools and see what happens. Let morning pages prime the pump and other-hand writing set the stage for your own insightful ‘blurts.’

Or, use any of the following nine tools in this Companion Guide as springboards for writing under fire. (Psst. The ruled margins in Bernadette’s Pages are an invitation to make this process your own!)

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A Few “Under Fire” Samples

• Pgs. 1 – 230 – Take your pick!
• Pg. 28 – Creative Venting: “Last night I tore up the copy of The Artist’s Way that Ray gave me. Scribbled commentaries, in crayon, on the pages. Things I have been wanting to …”
• Pg. 39, 40, 156, 184 – Spirit Dialogs: Other Hand Writing
• Pg. 44 – Reading Writing: “ Okay, I’ve gone back and read quite a few pages from my journal. I see a very unhappy woman in …”
• Pg. 52, 57, 73, 112, 129 – Dreamlogs
• Pg. 93 – Letters: “Ray, This is the day you asked me to marry you nineteen years ago. Who would have guessed I’d be …”
• Pg. 131 – Processing Fears: “Free flow thoughts and feelings, resulting from kissing Eric …”
• Pg. 148 – Prefatory Writing: “… need to take notes on some of the things I want to say to Ray after dinner Tuesday …”

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A Companion Guide for Bernadette’s Pages – Copyright 2008

Click for Tool #2: ReFraming

Did you miss it? CLICK HERE to see our 2-minute video book trailer!

So, here is where you get to jump in and share your experiences with journaling – or ask questions about Tool #1 and B’s Pages.

Did you like this? Then “LIKE” this and SHARE it with your friends!