Messy Love: Are You a Definer or a Refiner?

Messy Love Definer or Refiner Here’s an idea to play around with. The next time someone or something upsets you, ask yourself, “Does this define me or refine me?” Why? Because your answer determines how you move through the experience and the baggage you carry afterward. Let’s see what Webster has to say about these two words.
Define: to determine the limits or nature of; describe exactly.
Hmmm. “Determine the limits” seems pretty limiting. And “describe exactly” is a crazy-making quest. I don’t know about you but my life – and upsets – defy any exacting description. This defining business is feeling a bit tense.
Refine: to free or become free of impurities. To make or become more polished.
To “become free” and “more polished.” All right. I’m exhaling here. This feels like something I can grab hold of when grappling with an upset. How a Defining Moment Becomes a Refining Moment. Stop. Ask the question. “Does this define me or refine me?” Make a conscious decision. Then proceed in the direction of your answer. When my ex husband left to explore a relationship with another woman – back in the days of Bernadette’s Pages – you could say his act defined our marriage (failed), himself as a man (untrustworthy), and me as a wife (not good enough). Failed. Untrustworthy. Not Good Enough. Now there’s a tidy package that determined “the limits or nature of” what happened between us. Had I accepted this view as my definer I would have gotten stuck, acting out patterns of betrayal, anger, resentment, bitterness, guilt, shame, remorse, confusion, mistrust, defensiveness … and I guarantee you that Bernadette would not be sharing in this blog. But this Bernadette? She asked the question. Again and again and again. As many times as it took for her to drop the definers, pick up the refiners and proceed in the direction of her happily-ever-after. Death-Sentence Definers. Hiding in the past, present and future are relationships and circumstances that beg to define you. If you’re having trouble getting beyond an upsetting someone or something you might be trapped in a definer zone. That’s where the person or situation defines you in a way that you are not comfortable with – many times under radar. A definer like this, with no follow-up refiner, can feel like a death sentence. I saw Ted at Starbucks with Susan. (My ex must be right; I’m boring.) Samantha got the promotion. (My father was right; I’ll never amount to anything.) They didn't call me back for that second interview. (I am too old.) Are You Really Upset For The Reason You Think? This world offers lots of legitimate reasons for upset, though illegitimate definers are more common culprits than you think. (Maybe Ted and Susan were planning a surprise party for our voyeur – but skewed definers are a topic for another day.) Whether caused by the real world or the one in your head, it’s key to note there is a difference between the upset of pain and the upset of suffering. Suffering is a choice. A mental attitude based on fear and often supported by a definer.   Messy Love: Are You a Definer or a Refiner?It hurt when my ex left. Real bad. I was in pain. But it was my definers that made me suffer. Not his leaving. Once I got them to surface, I saw the classroom and an opportunity to cut through the crap – all the excuses that kept recycling the past into the present relationship. Surprisingly, defusing my definers opened the door to a refining process that allowed us to reconcile and make it another eighteen years. Defusing my definers also allowed me to recognize that divorce, for reasons that extended beyond our control or recovery, was ultimately in our best interest if we were to continue to grow. (Now there's a heavy duty definer-refiner playground.) If You Get Nothing Else From This Blog Post, Get This! A reason to pause the next time something or someone gets under your skin and ask yourself,
  • Does this define me or refine me?
  • Does this define me in a way that I don’t like?
  • Do I have to accept this definer?
  • Can I use this to refine me? (Make me a better person, artist, dog lover … free me from negative relationships, jobs, speeding tickets … Get the idea?)
Trapped in a Definer Zone? Ask. Decide. Proceed.
  • Does losing this marriage/relationship define or refine you?
  • Does losing this job define or refine you?
  • Does your childhood define or refine you?
  • Does your health condition define or refine you?
  • Does an addiction define or refine you?
  • Do your children define or refine you?
Here’s to replacing those definers with refiners that lead you to living your best life yet! As always, I welcome your comments. (They won’t define me but I might use them to refine me.) And, if you like this post then LIKE it and SHARE it. It won't define you if you don't but it might refine someone if you do. XO

Recipe for Romance Anyway

Musings from the Messy Room: Woo God. Romance the World. Be Flirty. (Take flight) Be Dirty. (Play in the dirt.) Be Loved. (From Heaven to Earth.) Here's a meSSy thought. What if you flirted with God? What if, instead of giving God your woe-is-me-where-is-he/she, you gave God a woo-is-You-love-me-through.
"There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground." Rumi "There are infinite ways for God to caress and kiss our soul." Me
Romance your life. Be YOU in love ... anyway! Then it might be easier to recognize the lover who knows how to use romance for love's sake. (And not manipulate for favors.) Embrace your sensuality ... anyway. Romance the world ... anyway. BE your sexy, delicious self ... anyway. Make those divine in-love discoveries ... anyway. Woo God and unleash the love of the universe in your own backyard ... anyway. Don't wait for Mister or Miss Right to give you permission to be the YOU that you are when inspired by love, BeLoved meSSie. Grab that mixing bowl called life and add a dash of flirty, a pinch of dirty, and season with love to taste. Now, pardon me while I throw a BiG meSSy SmOOchMwah your way and wish you a Happy Valentine's Day EVERY day ... anyway. PS: You don't have to be single to use this recipe for romance. But then I think you knew that ... anyway. If you like this post, then please LIKE and SHARE because together we grow a better world! And be sure to SUBSCRIBE for more Messy Room muse inspirations to come!

Bernadette’s Pages Just $7.95?

Small Press Bookwatch Review: "... the insightful and deeply personal account of an incredible journey through love, loss, and self-discovery ... vividly written and inherently wise ... Bernadette’s Pages is very strongly recommended reading"  - The Midwest Book Review
  Just Write Poster You read that right! Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad  is just $7.95 because you visited my messy room and clicked your way here! Am I nuts? Maybe. But for me, publishing this book has always been about getting the message of hope and forgiveness out there. Get a copy for yourself and a friend, copies for your book club, a church bookstore, a battered women’s shelter – heck, get a copy for your mail carrier. Bernadette's Pages: An Intimate Crossroad book coverYep! Just $7.95 a copy. * • Bernadette's Pages: An Intimate Crossroad • Paperback: 256 pages • Publisher: Enlightened Ink • Dimensions: 7.5 x 9.2 inches (Same size as the Artist's Way.) • Reg. List Price: 16.95
* Offer for contiguous US customers only. Ships from USA. International shipments, please contact me for shipping costs. INSPIRATION POINT • • • I love you. Three simple words. There’s someone else. Three simple words. Ever fall in love? Ever fall out? Relationships are complicated. Mostly because they start with you. Not as in “You make relationships complicated” but as in “YOU HAVE TO LOVE YOURSELF FIRST … if you don’t, it GETS complicated.” Betrayal. Forgiveness. Love. In the roundabout from “I do” to “I don’t” to “Now what,” this book shares a love story of a different kind. I’m not an expert or a celebrity. And I don’t have a reality TV show. But I did publish a journal that exposes a messy time in my relationship with my life, my marriage and myself and I share it – uncensored – from both sides of the fence. What went wrong then and what is working now. Betrayal comes in many forms. Not embracing endings as opportunities to shape beginnings is one of them. I offer this book as evidence that loving – not losing – yourself when faced with disappointments or broken promises CAN lead to happily-ever-after, and that messy moments are often invitations to fall more deeply in love with yourself – whatever that looks like for you. This Book Features a Unique Format • • • Read it like my journal or treat it like your own with special side margins that invite you to capture your own thoughts! Check out B's Pages book trailer. (There’s nothing like seeing a messy smidgen of your life put to music. Like a wedding video in reverse, without the “I do’s” and the bad dancing. Almost worth the tears.)  

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Fast forward to now; as the sun sets on the day that would have marked thirty-seven years of marriage, Adolan (Tramadol) dangers. Adolan (Tramadol) no rx, I watch it set, a recently divorced woman.

For the past couple days I have felt grief.

But not for the marriage. I mean, Adolan (Tramadol) long term, Adolan (Tramadol) interactions, after the first 18 years (with time out for a separation and another woman; Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad) and the second 18 years of reconciliation, in the form of forgiveness and accepting the things we cannot change, where to buy Adolan (Tramadol), Low dose Adolan (Tramadol), there is nothing to grieve but a lot to be grateful for in the amicable nature expressed through this second separation and divorce process.

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What to do, Adolan (Tramadol) trusted pharmacy reviews. Adolan (Tramadol) reviews, There is no doll hospital for this one but this much I know; if she gets replaced, I will “upcycle” her myself, order Adolan (Tramadol) from United States pharmacy. Adolan (Tramadol) photos, And if she remains with me – well, she will have to stop telling me those stories or get used to me hitting the mute button, ordering Adolan (Tramadol) online.

Anyone else with a Raggedy Ann?


 

The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it. Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD.

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Messy Room Moving Box Puzzle

“I have given everything I see in this room all the meaning that is has for me.” – A Course In Miracles: Lesson 2

 

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