Messy Love: Are You a Definer or a Refiner?

Messy Love Definer or Refiner Here’s an idea to play around with. The next time someone or something upsets you, ask yourself, “Does this define me or refine me?” Why? Because your answer determines how you move through the experience and the baggage you carry afterward. Let’s see what Webster has to say about these two words.
Define: to determine the limits or nature of; describe exactly.
Hmmm. “Determine the limits” seems pretty limiting. And “describe exactly” is a crazy-making quest. I don’t know about you but my life – and upsets – defy any exacting description. This defining business is feeling a bit tense.
Refine: to free or become free of impurities. To make or become more polished.
To “become free” and “more polished.” All right. I’m exhaling here. This feels like something I can grab hold of when grappling with an upset. How a Defining Moment Becomes a Refining Moment. Stop. Ask the question. “Does this define me or refine me?” Make a conscious decision. Then proceed in the direction of your answer. When my ex husband left to explore a relationship with another woman – back in the days of Bernadette’s Pages – you could say his act defined our marriage (failed), himself as a man (untrustworthy), and me as a wife (not good enough). Failed. Untrustworthy. Not Good Enough. Now there’s a tidy package that determined “the limits or nature of” what happened between us. Had I accepted this view as my definer I would have gotten stuck, acting out patterns of betrayal, anger, resentment, bitterness, guilt, shame, remorse, confusion, mistrust, defensiveness … and I guarantee you that Bernadette would not be sharing in this blog. But this Bernadette? She asked the question. Again and again and again. As many times as it took for her to drop the definers, pick up the refiners and proceed in the direction of her happily-ever-after. Death-Sentence Definers. Hiding in the past, present and future are relationships and circumstances that beg to define you. If you’re having trouble getting beyond an upsetting someone or something you might be trapped in a definer zone. That’s where the person or situation defines you in a way that you are not comfortable with – many times under radar. A definer like this, with no follow-up refiner, can feel like a death sentence. I saw Ted at Starbucks with Susan. (My ex must be right; I’m boring.) Samantha got the promotion. (My father was right; I’ll never amount to anything.) They didn't call me back for that second interview. (I am too old.) Are You Really Upset For The Reason You Think? This world offers lots of legitimate reasons for upset, though illegitimate definers are more common culprits than you think. (Maybe Ted and Susan were planning a surprise party for our voyeur – but skewed definers are a topic for another day.) Whether caused by the real world or the one in your head, it’s key to note there is a difference between the upset of pain and the upset of suffering. Suffering is a choice. A mental attitude based on fear and often supported by a definer.   Messy Love: Are You a Definer or a Refiner?It hurt when my ex left. Real bad. I was in pain. But it was my definers that made me suffer. Not his leaving. Once I got them to surface, I saw the classroom and an opportunity to cut through the crap – all the excuses that kept recycling the past into the present relationship. Surprisingly, defusing my definers opened the door to a refining process that allowed us to reconcile and make it another eighteen years. Defusing my definers also allowed me to recognize that divorce, for reasons that extended beyond our control or recovery, was ultimately in our best interest if we were to continue to grow. (Now there's a heavy duty definer-refiner playground.) If You Get Nothing Else From This Blog Post, Get This! A reason to pause the next time something or someone gets under your skin and ask yourself,
  • Does this define me or refine me?
  • Does this define me in a way that I don’t like?
  • Do I have to accept this definer?
  • Can I use this to refine me? (Make me a better person, artist, dog lover … free me from negative relationships, jobs, speeding tickets … Get the idea?)
Trapped in a Definer Zone? Ask. Decide. Proceed.
  • Does losing this marriage/relationship define or refine you?
  • Does losing this job define or refine you?
  • Does your childhood define or refine you?
  • Does your health condition define or refine you?
  • Does an addiction define or refine you?
  • Do your children define or refine you?
Here’s to replacing those definers with refiners that lead you to living your best life yet! As always, I welcome your comments. (They won’t define me but I might use them to refine me.) And, if you like this post then LIKE it and SHARE it. It won't define you if you don't but it might refine someone if you do. XO

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No, canada, mexico, india, Where can i buy cheapest Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) online, Ray hasn’t moved out. WE still own this house. I say “my house” because the drama between these cats in this house is mine, Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) samples. Buy Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) without a prescription, And their infringement into my writing consciousness is mine. (Ray is happily painting in the studio of his house  – with Reesie, order Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) online overnight delivery no prescription, Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) for sale, our somewhat feral kitty.)

I’m sure there is a classroom in here but not so sure about getting a passing grade on this one. I don’t know that I will ever overcome my predisposition to be "distractedly" overprotective when it comes to cats, Buy Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) Without Prescription. (All right, online buy Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) without a prescription, Order Amoksibos (Amoxicillin) from United States pharmacy, people too.)

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Purple Flower

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden


  • Then & Now Project: Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale, The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “what now” is complicated. Bactox (Amoxicillin) long term, This project shares snippets from my book – taken from my journal then. These posts reveal pieces of the journey in a “that was then, low dose Bactox (Amoxicillin), Purchase Bactox (Amoxicillin), this is now” format with my posting days matching journal entry days. (Sort of a time-fusion.) I hope this project focus will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, Bactox (Amoxicillin) for sale, Bactox (Amoxicillin) dose, don’t or might. XO


THE STAND-IN


Journal, what is Bactox (Amoxicillin), After Bactox (Amoxicillin), April 4, 1994“The weirdest thing happened today, Bactox (Amoxicillin) reviews. Lea and I went shopping so I could pick up some things for the house, Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale. Buy generic Bactox (Amoxicillin), We wound up at the new home store. We were hungry, Bactox (Amoxicillin) australia, uk, us, usa, Kjøpe Bactox (Amoxicillin) på nett, köpa Bactox (Amoxicillin) online, so we stopped in their deli … While I was standing at the counter waiting for my food, this gal caught my eye, buy no prescription Bactox (Amoxicillin) online. Buy Bactox (Amoxicillin) without prescription, I felt drawn to her and, for some strange reason, Bactox (Amoxicillin) wiki, Discount Bactox (Amoxicillin), the idea came into my head that she was Shelly. I started discretely checking her out … She was pretty, Bactox (Amoxicillin) pics. Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale, Trim in an athletic sort of way, with clear, radiant skin. Bactox (Amoxicillin) dangers, It was quite unnerving. As I sat down to eat with Lea, Bactox (Amoxicillin) results, Ordering Bactox (Amoxicillin) online, I confessed my “obsession.” When we got up to leave, this gal did also, is Bactox (Amoxicillin) addictive. Bactox (Amoxicillin) from canadian pharmacy, She directed a question about the store to me, making conversation, purchase Bactox (Amoxicillin) online. Cheap Bactox (Amoxicillin) no rx, She was very pleasant and sweet. I thought, if this is Shelly, does she know who I am, Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale. I hadn’t found any pictures of her when I went through Ray’s stuff, Bactox (Amoxicillin) online cod, Taking Bactox (Amoxicillin), so I was at a disadvantage. Real crazy thinking, Bactox (Amoxicillin) photos. Bactox (Amoxicillin) class, I knew it couldn’t be her but the thought stuck with me. Lea started teasing me as we wandered through the store, Bactox (Amoxicillin) trusted pharmacy reviews, Generic Bactox (Amoxicillin), trying to lighten me up. Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale, It did get rather funny because wherever I went, there was this gal. Like a puppy that follows you home.

I think this gal, order Bactox (Amoxicillin) from United States pharmacy, Bactox (Amoxicillin) from canada, and the thought that took root, was a face-to-face orchestrated by my angels – an entertaining way to encourage me to see Shelly not as an enemy, buy cheap Bactox (Amoxicillin), Bactox (Amoxicillin) overnight, but as a friend.”

2010:  The angels were just getting warmed up with this one. Obsessions came easy for me so planting this idea didn’t require much effort on their part, Bactox (Amoxicillin) without prescription. Bactox (Amoxicillin) use, God knows, I’m sure they were tired of my whining pleas for help and decided on a little comic relief while they passed down my lesson for the day. And they couldn’t have had a better “partner in crime” than Lea. Laughter is her middle name!


I got it, Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale. (And still believe it today.) Shelly was not the enemy. What was happening in my marriage was between God and me, first. Ray and me, second. Shelly and me – not at all. What a relief not to have to lug around that kind of resentment – and fear of drawing in or stumbling over any other “other woman.”


Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale, I chose this snippet because it cannot be emphasized enough. (Whether you believe in angels or not.) When you ask for help ...


  1. PAY ATTENTION.

  2. Don't Limit the Answer's Form and ...

  3. Develop a Sense of Humor!




  • A Funny Thought: If I could go back to 1994, right now. I would say, “Bernadette, when it comes to your angels, you haven’t seen the half of it, Bactox (Amoxicillin) For Sale. The best is yet to come!”



  • About This Post: I’m attempting to merge the nine months recorded in Bernadette’s Pages with the present here – but still can’t figure out how to format it in a neat and tidy way. So, it’s probably going to be raw and choppy in places. I’ll throw in some quotes and bullets to guide you along. If I lose you somewhere, let me know. I’ll come back to get you.



The Messy Room and my Facebook Page are two ways that I share the “HOW” of it. Please join me and SPREAD THE WORD. You CAN get here from there!

Excerpts ©2006 from Bernadette’s Pages: An Intimate Crossroad


If you like this then "LIKE" it and SHARE it with your friends. Together we grow!



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