Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

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The Other Woman’s Stand-In

Sunday, April 4th, 2010

Purple Flower

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

THE STAND-IN

Journal, April 4, 1994 • “The weirdest thing happened today. Lea and I went shopping so I could pick up some things for the house. We wound up at the new home store. We were hungry, so we stopped in their deli … While I was standing at the counter waiting for my food, this gal caught my eye. I felt drawn to her and, for some strange reason, the idea came into my head that she was Shelly. I started discretely checking her out … She was pretty. Trim in an athletic sort of way, with clear, radiant skin. It was quite unnerving. As I sat down to eat with Lea, I confessed my “obsession.” When we got up to leave, this gal did also. She directed a question about the store to me, making conversation. She was very pleasant and sweet. I thought, if this is Shelly, does she know who I am? I hadn’t found any pictures of her when I went through Ray’s stuff, so I was at a disadvantage. Real crazy thinking. I knew (more…)

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“I Don’t Think We’re In Kansas Anymore, Toto.”

Saturday, April 3rd, 2010

flowers in field

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

DREAM LOGS

Dream, April 1, 1994 • “Eric and I are going out for dinner … he gives me flowers … he presents me with a white silk kimono. There is a hand-painted symbol on the front. Broad yet delicate brush strokes form a red circle, and deep blue strokes run vertically through the circle. Very oriental in character … custom made for me … he kisses me … I don’t resist … he’s trying to give me what he feels I need … I am grateful …”

Dream, April 2, 1994 • “Ray and I are sleeping on a mattress, on the floor in the back bedroom. We start to make love … It surprises me that he would want to do this … I awaken (in the dream) and realize I was dreaming … and see him sleeping in a fetal position … I try to wake him but he is in a deep sleep … Then I really wake up.”

Dream, April 3 • “Ray is moving his stuff out. I find razor blades scattered on our bed … I show them to him …“


2010:  If you asked me to list five things that had an impact on me as a child, dreams would be on that list. Voices. Visions. Nightmares. The line between the waking world and dreaming world was often fuzzy.

I always had vivid dreams. As I grew older I got comfortable with them and gradually learned to welcome their wisdom. Dreams offered another view – another way to look at and process things that were going on in my life. (Take away the psychology and I had a front row seat at the movies every night!)

I don’t think there is a one of us who isn’t a little bit curious about our dreams. Ever notice how your dream time gets more active when you’re going (more…)

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The Law of Attraction in Action

Monday, March 29th, 2010

Sunflower

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

LIONS

AND TIGERS

AND BEARS … OH MY!!!

MISDIRECTED INTENTIONS

Journal, March 29, 1994 • “Where did my imaginings take me? I was afraid Ray would find another woman because he no longer seemed to desire me. How did I reinforce that fear?”

Spirit Dialog • “… You do not need to lose hope, but you cannot find hope in external signs from him. It must come from your connection with what you “know,” as when you first met … See how your fears have created your part in this. Do the work Sandra gives you to get clear … You are no less because he thinks he wants you not. You have always looked to the men in your life to place your value. You must want you. You must value you. How else will you know what, in your experience, is worth the attention and so the “intention” that you give? It is intentions that create your life experience. Where would misdirected or misunderstood intentions place your life?

Where are you now? Do you like this place of misdirected intentions? Then start learning and stop looking at what you don’t have, or you (more…)

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An Open Letter To Sandra Bullock

Sunday, March 28th, 2010

Sandra Bullock

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

I’M BREAKING OUT OF PATTERN WITH THIS POST.

On March 28, 1994, I wrote a long letter to Ray that stayed tucked within the pages of my journal, waiting for “permission to send.” The nod never came. Rather than share that letter and comment on it as part of my journal entry for today, I am moved to stay in 2010 and share this one instead.

Betrayal is making itself a home in the headlines it seems. Drama and speculation about the private lives of public couples is rampant. Until now, I’ve kept my thoughts to myself. These couples need space and privacy and I can’t even begin to imagine how successful Ray and I would have been with patching up our mess while the world peered over our shoulders. But Sandra Bullock said something that resonated so deeply with me as a woman in love that I find myself compelled to reach out to her and offer support. This particular corner of the Messy Room is the only channel I have that feels appropriate. So, here goes.

Pink Flowers

Dear Sandra,

If the angels see fit that this cross your path, know that your experience is being joined with our experience to bless you. That this letter to you is tucked safely in pages that share the healing of a relationship. And that your words to Jesse, “… (more…)

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The Midnight Cowgirl

Saturday, March 27th, 2010

StoneMountainSunset

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

“EVERYBODY’S TALKING AT ME.

I DON’T HEAR A WORD THEY’RE SAYING.

ONLY THE ECHOES OF MY MIND.”

Harry Nilsson • Midnight Cowboy

Journal, March 27, 1994 • “An awful afternoon, sorting through tax papers and receipts with Ray … I can’t believe I was so pathetic as to admit to him that I wanted to make love, one last time. And even more – I can’t believe his response …”

Spirit Dialog • “We told you, “Do not ask for what cannot be given,” and yet you did. You asked for it and so have made it harder on yourself … You still do not trust. You still do not let go. You continue to beat yourself up with looking to him. He does not know … Put your wedding ring in the God box if you must. It really does not matter, nor will it alter the course. What will come to pass will do so. Keep writing.”

2010: Ever ask for help then do the opposite of what you’re told? I wasn’t going to post this because it was pretty pathetic. I can say that today (more…)

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Angel Whispers. Spirit Dialogs.

Friday, March 26th, 2010

KZPurpleSky

Photos – Courtesy of Karla Zdroik

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

 

ANGEL WHISPERS. SPIRIT DIALOGS.

Journal, March 26, 1994 • “I’ve gone back and read quite a few pages from my journal. I see a very unhappy woman in denial. How obsessed with Ray I’ve been! Even without Shelly, we could not have gone on without honestly addressing some issues. I’m afraid to trust myself with the information you have given me …”

Spirit Dialog • “She is needed still, to make certain that you do not let him back in the door too soon. She is for you more than for him … you will see the transition occur … Use this solitude to know yourself and your connection with us. You must learn to trust and relax in the (more…)

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My Greatest Fear?

Monday, March 22nd, 2010

FreedomPhoto – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

MY GREATEST FEAR?

Session Reflections Journal, March 22, 1994 • “A lot came out of my session with Sandra this morning … I have to find a healthier way to address the feeling that I screwed up, and the belief that I’m not worthy of love. That’s where my panic comes from – my lack of patience with Ray’s retreat from me. I see his actions as proof that I’m not worthy – and I have no resistance to the feelings that surface as a result. They tell me that I must earn love. That I’m not good enough to receive it just as I am. “Screwed up” also feeds into a belief that I can never truly redeem myself because I am defective … and because of that, should be punished. That’s how I perceive Ray’s treatment of me. He’s punishing me for being flawed.”

2010: I have to get this out of the way – so humor me. WOW! Ray had been out of the house four days – FOUR DAYS – and Sandra had me doing this kind of work based on what I wrote in my purging journal? I believed that I was not worthy of love and so had to EARN it? It sounded crazy to me. And yet, when Sandra and I started following the threads, there was (more…)

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Sleep With Me?

Sunday, March 21st, 2010

Karla's Sunset

Photo – Courtesy of Karla Zdroik

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

SLEEP WITH ME?

Forgiveness & Purging Journal, March 21, 1994 • “It’s 5:31 a.m., and today is the anniversary of our first date. I’m awake and angry – absolutely livid at what Ray said before moving out, when he mistook my request that he sleep with me as a desire to make love. I can’t believe he said that would be an emotional betrayal to Shelly … That #!@!&#! … He’s concerned about his loyalty to her? This is insane!”

2010: I have to admit, this entry makes me squirm a little and I have considered not posting it. Some of the sexual references that follow in the book feel a little too intimate and vulnerable for this kind of forum so I’m compromising here. I know. That sounds weird being that the book is published but pulling an entry like this out of context gets tricky. I bring the world into our bedroom on this (more…)

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Hold My Hand

Saturday, March 20th, 2010

Sepia Blue Flower

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

HOLD MY HAND

Journal, March 20, 1994 • “Friday night, Ray moved out. Inside I was racing, but the session I’d had with Sandra helped to keep me acting relatively calm. It was so weird. He came in with empty boxes and groceries for dinner. He thought we’d have a bite together. Talking about this and that. Packing a box here and there. Like a kid leaving home, not a husband leaving a marriage. I was going crazy inside. After a couple hours of this, I finally commented on it. Don’t remember what I said, only that it was pretty pointed and pissed him off. He wasted no time after that. It must have been after ten o’clock when he got the last box out and headed over to Charles’s.”

“What a strange twist of inspiration that was! Me – of all people – coming up with a place that Ray could live … I don’t even know what made me think of Charles. I just remember Ray mentioning him, in passing, as an acting buddy … Who knows. Maybe I was just desperate to get him out of here – or maybe I was desperate that he not move in with her …”

2010: Devastating. And strange. As I read that passage, I can’t help but chuckle a little about how the reality of Ray’s leaving presented in such a surreal way. When Ray carried in groceries for OUR dinner, I felt like I had just slipped into an episode of The Twilight Zone. (Complete with eerie background music.) The evening marked a major transition point for both of us. I chose to stay and witness the move, not to change his mind (obviously, or I would not have offered the suggestion about Charles) but to make it real in my mind. I needed to see it happen. And here this man walks in all chatty (more…)

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Moving Day Tremors

Thursday, March 18th, 2010

CDRedBrush

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

  • Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

MOVING DAY TREMORS

Journal, March 18, 1994 • “Last night I tore up the copy of  “The Artist’s Way” that Ray gave me. Page by page. I was so methodical. So angry … I didn’t know the woman who could do this. I couldn’t control her. Scribbled “commentaries,” in crayon, on the pages. Things I have been wanting to say to him but haven’t. I shredded the silk I bought on one of my recent artist dates. I was going to make pillows. God, that hurt … But I couldn’t stop. The paint by number kit I’d started, another artist date inspiration, was next. I loved those as a kid. Just tossed it into the garbage! I’m not letting him have any part of my artist self. I am accepting no contributions from him.”

“I packed up all our special love trinkets. The cards. The handmade gifts … Tossed “The Artist’s Way” pages on top … He can take it all with him.”

“When he got home, it upset him to see what I had done. He (more…)

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