Enlightened Ink - Musings From The Messy Room

Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

Telepathic Teleflora

Saturday, March 13th, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

TELEPATHIC TELEFLORA

Journal, March 13, 1994 • “The events of late yesterday morning are racing through my mind. Ray and I were having such a good talk. There was a feeling of hope. Then bam! How something can get out of hand so fast! I feel so bad about what happened …”

“Damn. Why couldn’t he have just lied? How could I have known about the flowers he sent her? It came through like a bolt of lightning. A lousy time to be telepathic! Why did I even ask him?”

2010: My Angels had me pegged on that one. I was easing in. Trying to figure out how to change his mind. Campaigning, you could say. That teleflora-flash is what I call a psychic slap, a “Don’t run back into the burning building, Bernadette. We have a Plan.”

I always tell people I work with that they don’t have to go looking. What they need to know will come to them when they need to know it. Information that finds us ‘lightens” us. It’s an invitation to remember that we are not alone and we have a choice to participate in a Divine ordering. “Snoopy” info just serves to anchor in the very fears we think we can escape in “learning the facts.”

Think about it. Ever stumble across something when you weren’t looking? Trust me, I was looking in the opposite direction of those flowers (more…)

Tags: angel messages, betrayal, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 6 Comments »

The Roller Coaster

Friday, March 12th, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

THE ROLLER COASTER

Journal, March 12, 1994 • “Last night I felt relief when he said he didn’t discount the possibility that we may find ourselves together again. I don’t recall the exact words. I only know that he had not said them before.”

“I reminded him that the first words out of his mouth, the night he expressed his desire for a separation, had to do with another woman. How could I not assume that she was the sole reason for his leaving – even though he gave me others. He admitted that was, in part, what he believed at the time but that in talking with Cliff he’d become aware of a shift in his thinking. Now he knows he has to be on his own to do what he needs to do. Period. Yet he still wants to see her. And that still frightens me.”

2010: Ever do that? Grab hold of something and try to figure it out so you can “fix” it? It’s an exhaustingly wild ride whenever I go into my “analyze every twist and turn” mode.

Post Number Eight: Really, I just posted this so those who don’t have the book can know that Ray was not a bad guy. It gets tricky pulling (more…)

Tags: betrayal, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 1 Comment »

Back Home

Wednesday, March 10th, 2010

VineYards

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

BACK HOME

Journal, March 10, 1994 • “I still feel calm this morning, even though I am back at the house with Ray. Maybe I’m just numb. I now know that I can live here alone. I know we can’t go back, that I don’t want him this way. The other woman is not so much a factor, nor his rejection of me. I find myself focused more on how we have related through the years … I will give him one more chance to reconcile. If he doesn’t go for it, I’m asking him to move out … Being without him scares me. Even though I came off as independent – emotionally, I always put him first.”

2010: Step one. Clear the minefield. A clean break was better than a blown limb. Step two. Stop running around in someone else’s shadow – time to get reacquainted with the sun and make one of my own!

“Tonight I’ll pick up Peggy from the airport. I’m grateful for her desire to come regardless of the circumstances. She was so clear when she said to forget my big sister stuff and asked if I wanted her to be here. It cut right through my shit. All I could say was “Yes.” It was as if she read my mind and knew my fear when she (more…)

Tags: betrayal, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 1 Comment »

Writing Under Fire

Tuesday, March 9th, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

WRITING UNDER FIRE

Journal, March 9, 1994, 5:21 a.m. • “The anger has awakened me … Rather than stew, I’ll dump my anger on the page and hopefully get back into a place of peaceful resolve … All these things I want to say to Ray – to change him? I allowed him to pull me off my path! How could I have thought it would be satisfying, or safe, to support his dreams while mine disappeared?”

2010: Ever do that? Set a dream aside – for whatever reason?

“Day after day, putting in my time for that someday when … we would be free to play and express who we truly are – together – as a couple. … He faults me that I could not lighten up … He needed me to be the heavy, and then had the audacity to believe that I was capable of being no more than a caretaker. He is running as fast as he can into the arms of a woman who would be for him all that I am not? Damn. I want to play, be spontaneous, adventurous – but who has the time or energy?”

2010: Ever feel that way? I know a lot of women who struggle to see themselves (more…)

Tags: forgiveness, journaling, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 6 Comments »

Camping Out

Monday, March 8th, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

CAMPING OUT

Journal, March 8, 1994 • “I feel calmer, now that I have spent the night here at Lea’s. Her home is very peaceful. The pain is filtered, like sunlight through smoked glass – not quite so intense. What I feel most is emptiness. And sadness for how I could allow myself to become so empty and not notice. I filled myself with Ray … Trying to complete myself in him, as I accuse him of doing with her.”

2010: You know, I had a couple excerpts picked from today’s journal entries but I think I want to settle with just this one. I find myself thinking about all the ways we lose ourselves in relationships and all the ways our world supports the idea that we are incomplete without that ONE other person, that special someone.

When you think about it, it’s like we say to God, “Hey, You messed up. You only gave me half the package. Now I have to finish the job.” And off we go, (more…)

Tags: forgiveness, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 7 Comments »

How Dare He?

Saturday, March 6th, 2010

Photo – Courtesy of Casa Dresden

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

HOW DARE HE

Journal, March 6, 1994 • “I’m drinking a cup of valerian tea, hoping I can get back to sleep. Slept for two hours. The terrible burning that’s been in the pit of my stomach for the past couple of days has dissolved into a trembling between my stomach and my heart. The overlapping physical and emotional sensations are very strange. The burning feels like fear boring right through my stomach, while the trembling feels like mini-explosions threatening to shatter my heart. When I try to focus on calming my heart, fear races into a pure rage that merges so rapidly with pain, my heart feels as if it is being physically wrenched from my ribcage. I honestly feel as if it is breaking! Then the rage darts up and catches in my throat, choking me – telling me that I will soon have to find a way to give this anger, this fear a voice.”

2010: This is a tough read. I feel such compassion for the woman who wrote this … and for the man who was the catalyst. I remember this moment so clearly. I was wrestling with unadulterated rage for the first time in my life. I thought it was about Ray and the betrayal but it was about years of stuffing my anger. About my fear to feel it. About keeping busy, maintaining control, and staying one step ahead of situations that could invite it. (Not that I was ever successful.) About depression, unrecognized and expressed through starving my body anytime it (more…)

Tags: anger, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 6 Comments »

Answered Prayer?

Friday, March 5th, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

ANSWERED PRAYER

Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 5, 1994 • “Last night I had a dream that I found a diary. It was ancient and made of stone. In it, a woman was confessing a terrible thing she’d done. She had made love to a dear friend’s husband. She was deeply troubled and it was obvious that she loved both of these people very much. Suddenly it dawned on me that she was talking about us. Shocked, my eyes raced to the bottom of the page to see if she had signed it …”

2010: Ever wake up in a cold sweat after a dream? I did after that one.

“Ray won’t tell me her name. I’ve asked. I’ve asked what she looks like. Where she lives. He says knowing these things will not make me feel better, that this separation has nothing to do with her.”

2010: Information gathering while falling. Guess you could say I was multi-tasking. I was grabbing at anything trying to understand. Or control?

“Several weeks ago, I remember asking God to speed things up … Have no memory of what prompted that prayer at the time. Probably something related to my artist’s block or our financial stress. I recall saying that I didn’t care what it took to change – (more…)

Tags: relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 9 Comments »

On Angels’ Wings

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

ON ANGEL’S WINGS

Spirit Dialog & Journal, March 4, 1994 • “The pain is intense. I keep trying to remind myself that this is pain for what may come, not pain for this very second. This very second, Ray is in bed. Moments before, I lay in his arms. Awake. Trying to keep my mind from racing to the time when he will not be here.”

2010: I had no sooner finished writing those words when, to my surprise, I found myself scribing these!

“Let go. Let go. Trust God. That’s all you truly have, Bernadette … if you are to live through this pain, you must use every tool you have ever learned to stay in the moment. … We know you wanted to dump your feelings on paper here, but nothing new would have been written this morning. More important than your knowing the connection, is your accepting the connection with us. We are here.”

We are here? (more…)

Tags: angel messages, betrayal, forgiveness, relationships, spirit dialog
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 10 Comments »

Falling

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010

Then & Now Project: The journey from “I do” to “I don’t” to “What now” is complicated. This project shares snippets from my book (taken from my journal) that reveal pieces of that journey in a “that was then, this is now” format. My posting days match with journal entry days (sort of a time-fusion) and focus on what I hope will offer food for thought in your own life – whether you do, don’t, or might. Enjoy!

FALLING

Journal, March 3, 1994 • “Missed a day in my journal and a hell of a one at that. Now I know what those incredible waves of sadness were about on my flight back from the gift show in New York. Why I felt like crying when the plane landed. The weird irritation that surfaced when Ray picked me up in the terminal. He felt like a stranger. Distant, in a way I couldn’t put my finger on …”

2010: Ever fall? Did you see it coming? Physical falls are always curious. It’s like time slows to witness the tumble as you try to catch yourself. It’s amazing how many thoughts can go through your mind in a manner of seconds. You are both victim and observer as you find yourself suddenly assessing your body’s relationship with gravity, hard surfaces and sharp objects.

“Last night, when he said we needed to talk, all the foreboding came flooding in. I was devastated. Even before he confessed to wanting a separation. To there being another woman. And right now I feel so crazy with it – I just want to die!”

2010: I chose the word “falling” for my first journal entry because Ray’s leaving felt a lot like that to me. I sensed precariousness in our marriage, like walking along the edge of a ravine at dusk but, honestly, I thought we were maintaining our balance. When he confessed to wanting a separation, I slipped over the edge and (more…)

Tags: betrayal, Growing Pains, relationships
Posted in Bernadette's Pages: Then & Now | 17 Comments »

Extreme Makeover: feng shui relationship maker (or breaker?) part 3

Friday, November 6th, 2009

What happened here?

They say nothing causes more arguments between a couple than money or sex!

If you’ve been following this series, you know I am sharing our extreme makeover through Feng Shui eyes and that we started this project in the wealth area of the Bagua with the world’s creepiest kitchen. (Know one creepier? Send me photos.) As coincidence would have it, the second room that needed our attention was in the relationship area of the Bagua. (Seems we were going to have the money and sex thing covered!)

This poor room was sending some pretty major mixed signals. (Not advisable in a relationship, by the way.) It didn’t know what to be or what to do. Judging by the furniture, its role had been that of a living room though its location felt more conducive to that of a guest room. (The REAL living room had its own problems.)